It’s your big day. You and your partner are standing in front of friends and family, so focused on delivering your vows flawlessly that you can barely register what you’re actually saying. Let’s be honest, most of the guests are probably daydreaming about the reception buffet or regretting their choice of outfit (hello, Spanx!).
But does it truly matter if anyone is fully tuned in? Traditional wedding vows often lack specificity, and that’s why people zone out. Once you’ve heard one set, you’ve heard them all: “to have and to hold,” “to love and to cherish,” “for better or worse,” and countless variations. What if couples made promises that truly reflected the real-life ups and downs of marriage?
Here’s a more authentic take on those vows:
- I promise to embrace your stretch marks, varicose veins, and the stray hairs that come with time without any snarky comments about the extra pounds you may gain.
- I promise to still find you attractive, even if hair loss becomes a reality.
- I promise to maintain privacy during bathroom breaks.
- I promise to keep my gripes about the in-laws to a minimum—unless they cross the line.
- I vow to curb my backseat driving tendencies, or at least make a genuine effort.
- I promise to alert you if there’s something stuck in your teeth.
- I promise to manage my jealousy, unless I catch you flirting, in which case, “Are you sure you weren’t flirting?”
- I vow to share household chores evenly, including the not-so-pleasant tasks like cleaning out the drain.
- I promise not to complain when you splurge, even if I end up doing the same.
- I vow to always be honest with you, except maybe about questions like, “Do I look old?”
- I promise not to hog the blankets.
- I promise to recognize that we will evolve over the years and to adapt accordingly.
- I vow to share control of the TV remote, even when your choice of shows makes me cringe.
- I promise to keep my body hair and nails in check to avoid any injuries.
- I vow to tidy up after grooming sessions and not leave hair or nail clippings scattered about.
- I promise not to adopt new pets without thorough discussion first.
- I vow to be attentive to your needs, especially when chocolate isn’t just a want, but a need.
- I promise never to leave you without toilet paper.
- I vow to plan date nights, even if we end up talking about the kids anyway.
- I promise to tell you if you’re making a major fashion faux pas, like wearing a fanny pack.
- I vow to tolerate the occasional bad mood, as long as you’re not a jerk most of the time.
- I promise to stand by you in our parenting choices rather than sneaking the kids treats on the sly.
- I vow to exit the room during particularly raunchy gas episodes.
- I promise never to mix toast crumbs into the butter or jelly.
- I vow to forget any embarrassing moments like seeing you throw up or pick your nose.
- I promise not to ignore a trash can that’s overflowing.
- I vow to nag you just a little less.
- I promise to do sweet things to make you smile.
- I vow to cherish who you were while loving who you are now.
- I promise to always focus on the positives in our relationship, even in tough times.
Traditional vows can feel too idealistic and don’t quite capture the reality of marriage. What does “to have and to hold” even mean? More relatable vows would prepare newlyweds for the beautiful chaos of married life—a journey filled with highs and lows, laughter, and yes, even farts.
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Summary:
This article reimagines wedding vows to reflect the realities of married life, focusing on the everyday commitments couples make to one another, from accepting each other’s imperfections to sharing household responsibilities. It emphasizes the importance of grounding vows in real experiences rather than traditional, vague phrases.