I found myself in a bustling family restaurant, gazing up at the chaos of the play area. The air was filled with the lively chatter of children, but one sound stood out unmistakably: the cry of my little boy, Oliver. While other parents glanced around, I knew instinctively that this voice belonged to my son. Moments later, he emerged from the slide, looking as if he had just come back from a battle—shaky and drenched in perspiration, struggling to catch his breath as he lamented, “He hit me…in…my…face.”
Oliver is just 5 years old, and he’s my nephew. Following him down the slide was his cousin, my son, Max, who had a firm grip on the shirt of the child responsible for the incident, as if he were presenting a trophy. “That’s the one!” Oliver cried.
I found myself kneeling in front of a cherubic toddler, barely 2 years old, who was drooling and oblivious to the situation at hand. Oliver, weighing in at a hefty 60 pounds, was clearly a much larger presence. The toddler’s mother, concerned for her child, urged him to apologize, but Oliver had already made it known that he wasn’t emotionally ready to accept one. It was simply too soon.
Understanding Highly Sensitive Children
Oliver is a highly sensitive child. My sister and her husband often grapple with this reality. While most children might shed a few tears when hit or hurt, Oliver seems to experience this on a near-constant basis. They try to reassure him that he’ll be okay, offering empathy without overly indulging his feelings, but it’s a tricky balance. How do you help a child understand that not every setback is catastrophic?
The world can be harsh, and as parents, we want our kids to develop resilience without losing their kindness. This balance is particularly delicate for highly sensitive children, who can be easy targets for bullies due to their emotional responses. It’s heartbreaking to witness Oliver’s joy when he sees a friend only to have it crushed when that friend doesn’t reciprocate. He often cries when others don’t want to play, and once asked his father, “Do you wish you never had a son?” when his dad was busy.
As parents, they also feel frustration. When a child spends more time upset over hurt feelings during playdates than actually enjoying themselves, it’s hard not to want to shake them and tell them to stop wasting time. They think it’s not a big deal; the fall wasn’t that bad, and the other child didn’t mean to hurt feelings. We want our kids to learn to roll with the punches and adapt to change.
Although my sister wasn’t with us that day, when she later asked Oliver if he had fun, he recounted in detail the incident with the boy who hit him, rather than sharing the joy of the dinosaur exhibit we visited or the bouncy house adventures. The “slide incident” was what he focused on, casting a shadow over the fun he’d had.
The Truth About Sensitivity
Here’s the truth about Oliver and other highly sensitive children: Being emotionally sensitive is not a problem that needs fixing. It’s not a disorder or an issue of overreacting. Telling someone not to feel their feelings is nearly impossible. These children don’t just experience emotions; they feel them profoundly. Their empathy is immense, and they’re often the first to offer help when someone else is in need. Oliver would happily share his toys if he thought it would benefit less fortunate children. In contrast, convincing Max to part with his toys would require an elaborate negotiation process.
There’s no simple solution for a highly sensitive child. They are unique individuals with a distinct set of traits. For some kids, a minor trip can feel like the world has stopped, and minor bumps can lead to dramatic reactions. They may express frustrations when losing games or when things don’t go their way.
While you can equip them with coping strategies and support them through their emotional roller coasters, they will always wear their hearts on their sleeves. With encouragement and love, they will learn to navigate their feelings over time. These kids—the ones who seem to cry at the drop of a hat—understand that their emotional expressions can push others away. Yet they can’t help it.
The passion and tenderness within these little souls are remarkable. So, the next time your sensitive child is in tears over a minor incident, remember this:
They don’t need to toughen up for a world that can sometimes be unkind. Their compassionate hearts are exactly what our world needs more of.
Further Reading
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