In 2013, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. This situation arises when a chromosomal abnormality occurs during fertilization, resulting in a zygote that fails to develop properly. Essentially, when an egg and sperm unite, they each contribute 23 chromosomes. Occasionally, errors occur in this process, leading to an imbalance that often results in early pregnancy loss, known as a chemical pregnancy. I went through that heartache.
At the time, I wasn’t ready to welcome a third child. My husband and I were still together back then, but I was overwhelmed by the news of my pregnancy. I felt a mix of shock and fear.
After having my second child, a lovely baby girl, I suffered from severe postpartum depression. Sleep eluded me for weeks, and I experienced hallucinations due to exhaustion and overwhelming anxiety. I remember lying in bed, terrified to open my eyes, praying the haunting face wouldn’t appear again. The lack of sleep led to dark thoughts, leaving me wondering if this was my new reality.
Fortunately, I sought help from a neurologist who got me back on antidepressants and a wonderful therapist who guided me through the anxiety that came with being a second-time mom. It was shocking to find myself struggling so much after what I thought I had already mastered. But, with support, I managed to overcome those hurdles.
When I learned I was pregnant again, my fears resurfaced about enduring another bout of postpartum depression. So, when I miscarried, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. The weight of anxiety lifted — until I realized that discussing miscarriage, especially feeling relief about it, is a taboo subject that few acknowledge.
A close friend of mine, Emily, recently decided to embark on motherhood alone. She was thrilled to announce, “The sperm took! I’m officially pregnant!” I was excited for her but couldn’t help but be reminded of my past struggles. A week later, she shared heartbreaking news — she had lost the pregnancy.
I felt at a loss for words, unsure of how to comfort her. I wanted to express my sympathy but struggled to find the right phrases. I realized many people, even those who have faced similar losses, often stumble when trying to offer support.
Discovering Pregnancy Loss Cards by clinical psychologist Jessica Zucker was a turning point for me. After her late-term miscarriage, she aimed to increase awareness about pregnancy loss, and her cards provided a thoughtful way to show empathy. I sent one to Emily, and it helped mend the rift created by my silence.
This experience made me contemplate why our culture struggles to engage with loss. There’s a noticeable gap in how we discuss these sensitive topics, especially regarding pregnancy. While I felt relief from my miscarriage, Emily was devastated by her loss.
Each person’s experience with miscarriage is unique, and we must recognize that language matters. For someone like me, relief might be the primary feeling, while another individual may feel deep sorrow. It’s essential to ask how we can best support our friends in these moments: “I know you experienced a miscarriage; what can I do to help you?”
This reflection highlights the importance of having open conversations about loss and the varied emotions that accompany it.
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Summary
Miscarriage can evoke a range of emotions, from relief to deep sorrow, depending on individual circumstances. Open communication and understanding are vital in supporting those who experience pregnancy loss, as everyone’s journey is different.