In the wise words of a famous actor, “Parents just don’t get it.” When a trendy, youthful individual transitions into the role of a parent, it can feel like the aging process hits fast forward, impacting their coolness at a cellular level. No amount of fancy hair products, stylish clothes, or quotes from popular songs can halt the relentless march towards midlife. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing what is humorously termed OLD.
The initial signs of OLD are often filled with disbelief and a touch of panic. Who wants to admit that they’re edging into middle age? But when you notice a growing number of grey hairs—like little streaks invading your scalp or, even worse, showing up on your carpet—you can’t ignore it any longer.
But grey hair isn’t the only thing on the horizon. Here are some delightful signs that OLD is upon you:
- You’ve developed a bit of a belly.
- Your go-to outfit has become T-shirts and yoga pants.
- Dinner time has shifted to the early bird special, around 4:30 p.m., thanks to your little ones.
- You find yourself waking up before dawn.
- Your back is constantly sore.
- Your bust line seems to be heading south.
- Your ears appear larger, and your gums are receding just enough for you to laugh at the term “long in the tooth.”
- Dairy products seem to have declared war on your stomach.
- You’re sporting those two persistent lines between your eyebrows, giving you a perpetual resting “bitch” face.
- One glass of wine and you’re snoozing on the couch by 8 p.m.
As you progress into the second stage of OLD, the situation escalates and you find your inner thoughts spiraling into existential dilemmas. You might ponder whether to take up knitting or Zumba. You start to question if it’s still cute to have a little urine leakage when you sneeze or laugh. Oh no, will you need adult diapers?!
But don’t worry; there are more amusing thoughts to entertain you:
- You might briefly contemplate the idea of dating younger men.
- Discovering that Fifty Shades of Grey is a hit among middle-aged moms could lead you to consider discreetly tossing your copy.
- You become anxious as you enter the Bermuda Triangle of women’s health, wondering if it’s your time of the month, if you’re experiencing menopause symptoms, or—gasp—if you might be pregnant.
- You still find Johnny Depp attractive until you realize he’s looking less “distinguished” and more like he might soon qualify for AARP.
- You feel a bit uncomfortable with the amount of skin young pop stars are flaunting in their viral videos.
- The latest slang from younger generations leaves you scratching your head—what does “fleek” even mean?
- The idea of a nap suddenly seems more appealing than ever.
- You might contemplate fully embracing midlife, even thinking about taking a French cooking class, only to change your mind for something more adventurous like kickboxing.
- And just when you consider that middle age might bring enhanced intimacy, you notice your partner backing away slowly.
To prevent these humorous pitfalls, steer clear of Classic Rock stations that endlessly play Nirvana and U2, and avoid forming unhealthy attachments to stretchy pants, Spanx, and “granny” underwear.
For a deeper dive into related topics, check out one of our other blog posts on home insemination. If you’re interested in learning more about artificial insemination, visit Make a Mom for expert insights. Additionally, Medical News Today is an excellent resource for information on pregnancy and fertility.
In summary, the journey of parenthood can sometimes feel like a fast-track to aging. While it might be inevitable, embracing the changes—and finding humor in them—can help keep the spirit youthful.