Public Service Announcement: If you ever find yourself in a psychology experiment where a “teacher” instructs you to apply increasing voltage every time I answer incorrectly, brace yourself, because things are about to get intense in here.
I used to have an unwavering respect for authority figures. White coat? Sure, I’ll take that full course of antibiotics, Doc. A wall full of diplomas? You’re right; I have some unresolved issues with my parents who kindly gave me your number while babysitting my kids. You wrote a book? Well, that’s impressive! (I’ve made it into a few books myself—apparently, anyone can.)
But with age comes confidence, and I’m now more inclined to trust my instincts, do my own research, and stand my ground against “expert” advice. Yet, the internet seems relentless in its quest to tell me how to live my life, and frankly, I’m over it! Here are nine pieces of advice I wish the internet would just drop:
- Quit Eating Those [Insert Any Five Delicious Foods] Unless I Want to Be Fat and Miserable
Seeing these foods pop up in my feed every few minutes isn’t exactly helping me break the cycle. - Wrap It!
I’m talking about food. Sure, I’ve seen those dramatic before-and-after photos, but until someone invents a device that wraps around my face and keeps my mouth shut, nothing’s changing here. - Drink Fruity Water
Do you have any idea how long it takes to chop up three cups of fruit? And who wants to lug around an 11-pound mason jar of mushy fruit? - Get More Sleep
Well, obviously. Who doesn’t need more z’s? My kids have busy schedules, and if I went to bed earlier, I’d basically have the same routine as my 9- and 12-year-olds. Translation: I’d be the uncoolest person ever. - Drink Wine
I’ve never liked wine, and I’m tired of hearing it’s the magical cure for everything. If you have something nice to say about whiskey, though, I’m all ears! - Stop Using K-Cups
I do my part for the environment, but can’t a person enjoy the convenience of one cup of coffee without guilt? I even switched to a reusable K-Cup, but if I hear plastic is dangerous, it’s going to get messy. - Toss Out Everything in My Pantry Because It’s Killing Me
I’ve made it 41 years; I think I can figure out how to read a label. Not everything is a conspiracy to ruin my health. - Buy Fancy Jewelry
I can grab four pairs of hoop earrings at Target for just $5! Sure, they might turn my earlobes black, but I like to think of it as a fashion statement. - Worry About My Kid’s Self-Esteem
Have you ever spent time with a 12-year-old boy? They think they know everything! While I want to protect their hearts, I’m not stressing over a few stern words or consequences. They probably didn’t even hear me.
So there you have it, internet. I’m my own expert. Your advice is falling on deaf ears.
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In summary, I’m confident in my own parenting journey and not swayed by unsolicited advice from the internet. It’s time to trust myself and my instincts as I navigate this wild ride of parenthood.