Recently, I was approached by a young couple, who was curious about maintaining a strong marriage after welcoming children into their lives. The question was simple: “How do you keep your marriage thriving with kids?”
I chuckled and replied, “You begin by keeping score.” This wasn’t the response they anticipated, but it’s an unvarnished truth that many shy away from. Conversations about marriage and parenting often revolve around themes of difficulty and the necessity of prioritizing one another. Rarely do we candidly discuss the mental tally we create—tracking who does what in the relationship.
People naturally begin to monitor various aspects of their partnership. You might find yourself noting who had more sleepless nights, who handled the most household chores, or who made those late-night trips to the store for essentials like diapers and milk. You might even keep tabs on the piles of laundry or the number of times garbage was taken out. This mental checklist can grow heavy over time, especially when life throws challenges your way.
Admitting to this scorekeeping is uncomfortable for many couples, yet it’s a prevalent reality, particularly during stressful periods. When a new baby arrives, or a significant life change occurs, the scoreboard becomes more pronounced. If a couple claims they’ve never engaged in this practice, they are likely either deceiving themselves or have achieved a level of harmonious existence that seems unattainable.
The essence of the matter is that when life becomes hectic—especially with children—it’s human nature to feel that your struggles surpass those of your partner. We often think we’re the ones enduring the most sleepless nights or the most overwhelming workdays. This perspective is normal, but it’s crucial to remember that while life, parenting, and marriage can be challenging, they are also filled with moments of joy and connection.
It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that “hard” is relative. Life is cyclical, consisting of seasons that range from extraordinarily difficult to unexpectedly pleasant. As humans, we may forget this, leading us to compare our experiences and keep score. Eventually, however, the weight of these mental tallies can become exhausting, prompting a realization.
You start to remember that everyone faces difficulties. You recognize that you and your partner are on the same team, that your love extends beyond obligation, and that you genuinely enjoy each other’s company. A marriage commitment isn’t just about the vows taken; it’s also about remembering the moments that brought you together, even amidst the chaos—like when kids leave dirty socks everywhere or when the competition for who is more sleep-deprived seems unending.
In a light-hearted conversation with my partner recently, I asked him, “Do you think we still keep score?” He answered quickly, “Yep.” When I probed whether we do so as often, he replied, “Nope.” I asked what had changed, and he humorously attributed it to “hundreds of fights.” We chuckled, realizing that fatigue from the scorekeeping had overshadowed the tally itself.
As our younger child walked in, he inquired about our laughter. My partner’s simple response—“I just really like being around your mom”—summarized our connection beautifully. So when asked about strengthening a marriage after kids, I didn’t hesitate to acknowledge our scorekeeping. It’s hard, but as long as both partners remember they’re on the same side and that the challenges will eventually ease, there’s hope for a fulfilling relationship. In fact, together, they might just discover it can be exceptionally rewarding.
For more insights on family dynamics and parenting, check out other engaging articles on our blog, including this one about home insemination. For more information on the intricacies of becoming a parent, visit Make a Mom for expert advice. Additionally, if you’re exploring fertility options, the CDC’s FAQ is an excellent resource.
Summary
In marriage, especially after having children, it’s common to keep score of contributions and sacrifices. While this practice can create tension, it’s essential to remember the strength of your partnership and the joy that can still exist amid challenges. Embracing your teamwork and recognizing that both partners experience hardship can lead to a deeper connection and a more resilient relationship.