It was a particularly challenging afternoon when my son arrived home from school. The moment he stepped off the bus, I sensed that something was amiss. Typically, I prided myself on being the calming presence in our household—a “Zen mom,” if you will. But on this day, my composure was put to the test.
My son has autism and often battles with aggressive behaviors. All the guidance we received from therapists emphasized the importance of remaining calm and not reacting to provocations. However, I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when the conflict began. He seemed disinterested in everything I said. Aware that he might be hungry, I attempted to offer him his afternoon snack. Yet, he resisted, frustrated by the routine of needing to eat his fruit before indulging in cookies. It was a familiar pattern, and I realized he was searching for a way to express his pent-up emotions.
Suddenly, he lunged at me, arms flailing, and slapped me. In the ensuing chaos, he began tearing pages from a book I was trying to read. As he reached for nearby library books, something inside me snapped. I remember distinctly fleeing from him with the books clutched in my arms, desperate to protect them. He chased after me and managed to hit me hard on the back. That’s when my emotions took over.
In that moment of rage, I shouted at him to back off, warning him that I would throw the book if he didn’t. He retreated to the couch, laughing, which only fueled my anger further. Without thinking, I picked up one of the softcover books and hurled it at him. It struck his arm, and the shock on his face mirrored my own.
“Mommy, you threw the book at me!” he exclaimed, his eyes wide with fear. I felt a rush of guilt wash over me, realizing the extent of my loss of control. I was angry at him, but even more so at myself for letting the situation escalate. Tears began to flow again as I apologized, explaining that I needed to take a moment in my “calm corner” to gather myself.
We had previously established calm corners for his meltdowns, and it was clear I needed one for myself. I retreated to the only room with a lock—the family bathroom—where I spent the next 15 minutes crying and releasing the tension that had built up. From that day forward, I vowed never to lose control like that again.
Motherhood reveals both your strengths and weaknesses. It can help you grow stronger if you allow it. I’ve spoken with many mothers of children with special needs who have confessed to similar breakdowns. One friend recounted how, after her son stomped on her foot, she retaliated and felt a fleeting satisfaction before succumbing to guilt. Another shared how she would yell at her child until he cried, only to feel terrible afterward. These experiences are not uncommon, even among mothers of neurotypical children who sometimes find themselves overwhelmed.
It’s important to acknowledge that we are all human and capable of losing our tempers. The key is to use these moments as opportunities for growth and to find effective anger management techniques. Doing so can allow us to model calmness in the face of adversity for our children, regardless of their needs. That difficult moment transformed me into a person who now approaches my challenges with honesty and compassion.
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In summary, the experience of losing control as a parent is not unique. It can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and a reminder that we must continue to strive for patience and understanding, both for ourselves and our children.