As I repacked my hospital bag for the third time, I found myself stuffing extra mesh underwear into the outside pocket. I was stalling.
Typically, new mothers can’t wait to leave the hospital after childbirth. They look forward to returning home, settling into their familiar environment, and establishing a routine. They want to snuggle with their baby in a cozy bed big enough for their partner. They are eager to embrace their new role as a mother.
That was not the case for me. I surveyed the room I had just organized. My duffle bag sat neatly on the bed, surrounded by three overflowing bouquets of congratulatory flowers, a pile of cards, and gift bags filled with adorable newborn outfits. My partner was on his way to pick me up and take me home, but as I stared at the door, dread washed over me. I didn’t want to leave.
A nurse arrived and handed me my baby’s birth certificate to sign. I read his full name repeatedly, finally feeling confident that we had chosen a name that would serve him well throughout his life.
I attempted to engage in small talk with the nurse, but my sorrow was palpable. She noticed my distress and offered a few comforting words. “The good news is that you’ll probably be fully healed by the time your baby comes home,” she said.
That’s when the tears started to flow.
I understood her intentions were good; she was trying to find a silver lining in an otherwise heartbreaking situation. Yes, my body would eventually recover from the ordeal of childbirth. But my heart wouldn’t heal until my baby was home with me. Until my preemie was discharged from the NICU, I felt utterly incomplete.
I continued to weep as we left the labor and delivery ward. By the time we reached the elevator, I was shaking so much that my partner had to support me. I can’t recall how he managed to help me into the car. As we pulled away, I glanced back at the stark brick building—my baby’s home for an uncertain duration.
“This isn’t right,” I exclaimed. “He needs me. He needs his mother. I can’t leave him. I can’t.”
“He’s receiving the best care possible,” my partner reassured me gently. “We’ll visit tonight. Just a few more hours. You need to rest.”
“I know, but what if something happens?” Anxiety surged within me. Every worst-case scenario looped horrifyingly through my mind.
For me, the most challenging part about leaving the hospital without my baby was the fear of the unknown. I had to rely on complete strangers to care for my child, my own flesh and blood, during the times I couldn’t be there. The NICU staff turned out to be real-life angels.
Once home, I did my best to stay occupied. I had envisioned my early days at home filled with feedings, diaper changes, and endless cuddles. The idea of returning home without my baby had never crossed my mind. It felt fundamentally wrong; I was overwhelmed with hormones, and my maternal instincts longed to nurture an infant.
Fortunately, I lived only a few miles from the hospital, allowing me to visit my son multiple times a day. However, I still faced too many hours of “downtime” when I was supposed to be sleeping, eating, and showering. Instead, I pumped milk obsessively, determined to provide for my preemie, even though he was too small to latch. I washed and folded doll-sized clothes in perfect squares, using Dreft detergent.
I wandered through the baby aisle at Target in such an emotionally fragile state that I found myself crying in the diaper section at the sight of a mother pushing her happy baby in a cart. I likely set a record for the most “check-in calls” to the NICU. In short, I did whatever was necessary to endure the most challenging period of my life.
This is the message I wish to convey to any mother leaving the hospital without her child: do whatever you need to do to get through this time. Your baby will be home sooner than you think. You’ve got this.
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Summary:
Leaving the hospital without your newborn can be an emotionally devastating experience. The fear and uncertainty can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that your baby is receiving expert care. Focus on self-care during this time, as your baby will be home before you know it.