Dear Pro-Life Advocate,
I have listened quietly to your perspectives, feeling the weight of your assumptions about my circumstances. Your clear demarcation of right and wrong suggests you possess insight into the complexities of life-altering decisions, yet the narrative you present does not resonate with my reality.
On January 5, 2016, I underwent a second-trimester abortion at 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My situation was not one of rape or incest. I was not an unwed teenager, nor did I face financial hardships that precluded raising another child. I did not consider abortion as a means of birth control, and my baby was neither unloved nor unwanted.
My daughter, whom my partner and I named Grace—meaning “gift from God”—was not merely a “fetus.” She was a cherished little girl, a sister, a daughter, a niece, and a granddaughter, deeply loved and wanted. However, during an ultrasound at 17 ½ weeks, we received the heartbreaking diagnosis that Grace was gravely ill.
Grace was diagnosed with trisomy 21 and nonimmune hydrops fetalis, conditions that caused her body to accumulate fluid and her organs to fail. Specialists informed us that survival beyond a few weeks was impossible. The dreams I held for our growing family were shattered in mere moments.
As a Christian, I believe in miracles, yet I also have faith in modern medicine. The thought of my daughter suffering in a place that should be her sanctuary was unbearable. I could not imagine bonding with her, only to endure a devastating goodbye. The day my first child was born was the pinnacle of joy in my life; I did not want that memory tainted by sorrow.
My doctor cautioned that waiting for Grace to pass naturally would elevate my risk of infection, hemorrhage, and other severe complications, including death. I was not willing to take those risks, as I still had responsibilities to my son and my husband. Faced with an unimaginable decision that I never wanted to confront, I opted to terminate my wanted pregnancy.
Due to the laws that you support, I discovered that I could not have the procedure in my home state of Tennessee. Planned Parenthood could not perform abortions beyond 15 weeks, and local hospitals denied my request. The shame I felt when my obstetrician informed me that she could not legally assist was overwhelming. It seemed that my own state legislators doubted my ability to make the best decisions for my family. On the worst day of my life, I found myself fleeing to another state for a procedure that was stigmatized and misunderstood.
Until recently, I hadn’t openly used the term “abortion” because of the stigma surrounding it. With the upcoming elections, the topic has become increasingly prevalent, haunting me at every turn. Not only must I grieve the loss of my daughter, but I also bear the burden of others’ judgments.
Many of my pro-life friends and family have reassured me, saying, “But your situation is different.” While these words may offer temporary comfort, I believe this mindset contributes to the ongoing issue. I am not different. The experience I had is not different. If we continue to avoid discussing abortion openly, perceptions won’t change, and neither will the laws.
It is painful to acknowledge, but I had an abortion, and this is what it entailed for me. Life is not always black and white; many navigate the gray areas, often remaining silent out of fear of judgment. We refrain from advocating for our rights to shield our already broken hearts from further pain. Thus, the cycle continues—your voices grow louder, restrictive laws are enacted, and we, the grieving mothers, lose the autonomy to act in the best interest of our families.
While you champion your pro-life cause, my husband and I were saying goodbye to our daughter in a distant hospital, surrounded by strangers. While you protested outside a clinic, my husband stood alone in a funeral home, selecting an urn for our daughter’s ashes. As you click “share” on anti-abortion articles, I am on my knees, praying for my little angel. You may perceive abortion as a selfish act, but what you may not realize is that a part of the mother also dies that day.
I urge you to consider the complexities of the abortion debate. Acknowledge the gray areas before endorsing anti-abortion laws. Embrace us instead of shunning our experiences because they make you uncomfortable. We are mothers who have chosen abortion due to severe prenatal diagnoses. Our decisions stem from love, and we are doing our best with the circumstances we face. For further exploration of this topic, consider visiting this other blog post.
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In summary, we must engage in open dialogue about abortion, acknowledging the nuances and pain involved in such decisions.