Parenting represents a significant domain in the ongoing quest for feminist equality. Many women I know, who have experienced substantial autonomy in their lives, often find their feminist beliefs challenged when they welcome children into their lives. For those of us who derive a sense of purpose and identity from our careers, the shift to becoming a stay-at-home parent can be particularly challenging. After having my second child, I decided to embrace this role, envisioning myself as a mom who flourished in the presence of her children. However, “flourished” was not the term I would ultimately choose.
The most daunting aspect of this transition was grappling with the intense reliance and interconnectedness that defined my new reality. I have always preferred to be self-sufficient, adept at managing my own affairs. Then, in an instant, everything changed. I found myself relying on others for financial support, uninterrupted thoughts, sleep, and even the luxury of eating without distraction. This sudden dependency left me feeling—if I’m honest—quite needy and desperate, a sensation I found uncomfortable. What would a feminist icon like Maya do? I pondered.
Now, a year into this journey, I offer some insights for those who choose to embark on the challenging path of full-time parenting.
1. Release the Labels
You are neither a “good” nor a “bad” parent. You are a multifaceted human being with your own strengths and weaknesses, much like anyone else. I excel at providing emotional support but struggle with crafts. I thrive on a structured routine yet prefer unstructured play for my children. I dislike staying indoors too long, so we venture out daily. I firmly believe in sleep training. These attributes define my parenting style. Just as we navigate our gender identities, we must adopt a nuanced and non-judgmental view of our parenting approaches.
2. Embrace the Struggles
The reality of motherhood can be profoundly unjust. The institutional patriarchy manifests in numerous ways: exorbitant childcare costs, a lack of paid parental leave, and the stark reality faced by many single parents. The daily challenges—breastfeeding difficulties, sleepless nights, physical transformations, and career interruptions—often feel disproportionately burdensome.
On my better days, I remind myself that these challenges are also privileges. I get to soak in snuggles and laughter, witnessing my children grow and develop their unique personalities. Yet, gratitude can be elusive when exhaustion leaves me feeling unmoored. Allow yourself to exist within this struggle. It is perfectly acceptable not to cherish every moment of parenting. Channel any frustration into a drive for change, whether that means advocating for systemic reform or delving into the philosophical questions of existence that arise during parenthood. These struggles are often the catalyst for the very feminists who have shaped history; they are a natural part of the process.
3. Follow Your Own Path
The plethora of parenting blogs, podcasts, and literature exists because no one truly has it all figured out. We are all navigating the complexities of parenting alongside our feminist ideals. By rejecting traditional gender norms, we open the door to creating our own values and choices. Trust your instincts—there are countless right ways to parent. My second child has taught me that many of the assumptions I had from my first experience were, quite frankly, laughable! No one is an expert.
4. Hand Over the Baby
This advice primarily applies to mothers with male partners. If that does not describe your situation, your experiences may differ, and I recognize that my insights may not be applicable.
In the workplace, achieving equality can sometimes feel more attainable than in the home. The differences in our socialization become glaringly evident once children enter the picture. Research shows that couples with more progressive gender beliefs often experience lower marital satisfaction, likely due to divergent expectations that arise when traditional frameworks are absent.
Consider this scenario: When the baby cries, your initial instinct may be to attend to them immediately, thinking, “I simply can’t wait for my partner to step up.” Meanwhile, your partner may assume you will handle it unless you specifically ask for help. A mother who adheres to traditional gender norms might feel it’s her duty to respond, while a more modern mother might feel justified in expressing frustration.
Avoid the urge to lash out or engage in the “Who’s More Tired” debate (for the record, we both know who is). Instead, educate your partner about your needs. Start by shifting your mindset: just hand the baby over. After a particularly rough night, I once passed the baby to my partner and declared, “I need some sleep!” On another occasion, after he had a two-hour nap, I handed him both children and stated, “I’m off to Target!” I felt rejuvenated upon my return.
Once my baby turns one, I plan to stop morning breastfeeding to create a routine where my partner can take over those responsibilities. I will continue to delegate until he feels compelled to contribute more actively. To my surprise, when I do this, my partner reacts positively. He seems appreciative of my straightforwardness and relieved that I’m not harboring resentment.
Deep down, he wants to understand how to support my happiness, even if he struggles with feelings of inadequacy. Pursue your desires; he will likely appreciate it.
As feminist thought leader Maya Angelou said, “We need to demonstrate how ending sexism can enhance family life.” We are fortunate to be in an era where we can redefine motherhood. By critically examining our roles, we can inspire our families to envision love that embraces individuality.
In summary, navigating the landscape of stay-at-home parenting through a feminist lens involves recognizing the complexity of our identities, embracing struggles, trusting our instincts, and fostering equitable partnerships. We must advocate for changes that promote fairness and understanding within our families.
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