As I lay awake at 1:30 a.m., 30 weeks into my pregnancy, I am filled with anticipation as my baby kicks vigorously. I’m grateful that my insemination was successful on the first attempt and eagerly await meeting my daughter. I have always felt that motherhood was my calling, and after several unsuccessful relationships, I resolved to take a bold step and embrace the journey of becoming a single mom by choice. What I did not foresee, however, were the unsolicited comments that would accompany this decision.
-
“Isn’t it unfair to choose for your child to grow up without a father?”
The reality is that countless mothers have had to navigate raising children without a father figure due to unforeseen circumstances. While I would have preferred a more traditional family structure, families today can take on many forms, including those with two moms, two dads, or various step-relationships. My daughter may not have a dad, but she will have a supportive grandfather, two incredible uncles, and numerous other male figures who will positively influence her life. Although it may not fit the conventional mold, I believe that raising her alone, especially in light of my past relationships, can be a healthy choice. -
“I’m so sorry.”
This comment often came wrapped in sympathetic expressions from friends and family. It seemed to imply that my decision stemmed from desperation or a sense of failure. Surprisingly, two of my ex-partners reached out to express regret for not treating me better. They claimed I deserved happiness and should not have changed due to past experiences. But the truth is, I am genuinely happy and have not changed my desire for motherhood. I simply found a creative path to achieve my goals. -
“You know how girls without fathers end up, right?”
This stereotype is not only outdated but also deeply flawed. The assumption that a child without a father is doomed to a particular fate is both simplistic and misleading. My daughter will understand that her existence is a result of a thoughtful choice, and she will grow up knowing that I wanted her dearly. Unlike children whose fathers abandon them, she will not face the emotional burden of feeling unwanted; instead, she will be surrounded by loving male role models. -
“You have no idea what you’re getting into!”
That is indeed true. But who among us truly knows what parenthood entails? Whether a first-time mother or one with experience, many parents navigate the unknown. Although I recognize the challenges ahead, I find comfort in my ability to make independent decisions regarding my child’s upbringing, from naming her to selecting her school, without the need for consensus. I acknowledge that I will face difficulties, but I am confident in my planning and commitment to this journey. -
“Finally! You’ve talked about wanting kids for so long.”
Before sharing my decision with my father, I spent days preparing for his reaction, anticipating disappointment. However, his response was surprisingly positive, which turned out to be the most uplifting unsolicited comment I received. This journey has empowered me to become more assertive and resilient, equipping me with skills that will be essential as I navigate parenting, answer my daughter’s questions, and fill out forms that omit the “father” section.
As I reflect on my decision to become a single mother by choice, I remind myself that my motivations are valid and essential. External opinions may vary, but this is a path I have consciously chosen for myself and my future child.
For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at NICHD. If you’re considering this journey as well, make your own at-home insemination kit to help you along the way. Additionally, you can find more detailed discussions in our blog post here.
Summary
Choosing to become a single mom by choice invites a mix of unsolicited comments, from concerns about fairness to stereotypes about fatherless children. While these reactions can sometimes be disheartening, it is crucial to recognize the strength and empowerment that come with this decision. Surrounding oneself with positive influences and understanding the unique family dynamics can lead to a fulfilling parenting experience.