Updated: Aug. 3, 2017
Originally Published: March 20, 2016
Recently, I experienced a phase in my marriage that felt like a fairy tale, reminiscent of the “newlywed” bliss. My partner and I were completely in sync—finishing each other’s thoughts and presenting ourselves as the ideal couple on social media. However, that blissful period came crashing down in a dramatic argument that could rival reality TV, minus the theatrics of throwing drinks (we don’t waste good beverages).
The confrontation was draining; we exchanged words, emotions flared (I may have raised my voice while he took a step back), and, in the end, we resolved little. I was left feeling defeated, fatigued, and resentful. I couldn’t help but question why my marriage wasn’t as flawless as those of my friends. Why didn’t I have that Prince Charming everyone else seemed to?
That evening, I reached out to a friend, unsure of what I hoped to gain from the conversation. In our circles, discussing marital issues felt taboo, much like conversations about finances—topics we often keep private. We might share a laugh about our partners’ quirks or their tendency to leave dishes undone, but we rarely delve into the deeper struggles. Admitting to marital difficulties felt like confessing to a failure, a sentiment I grappled with as I navigated my own ups and downs.
To my surprise, my friend listened intently as I recounted the fight, asking questions and showing empathy. I worried that she might judge my marriage as a disaster, but instead, she opened up about her own experiences, revealing that her marriage was not without its challenges. She spoke candidly about the effort required to maintain a healthy relationship and admitted to having faced difficult times.
“I never knew,” I admitted, astonished. “I thought we were the only ones.”
“No, I think most couples have to put in the work,” she replied.
This exchange made me reflect on why discussions about marriage often stay surface-level, filled with humor or boasting. While many acknowledge the challenges of parenting, why is marriage different? I felt a wave of relief knowing that even seemingly strong marriages face difficulties and that hard work is often required to sustain them.
I want to discuss marriage openly. It’s essential to recognize that it can be hard work. Uniting two individuals and adding in financial responsibilities, home life, children, careers, and family dynamics can lead to tension. We must confide in one another and stop pretending that everything is fine when it may not be.
Growing up, I believed in the fairy tale of marriage—the charming prince, everlasting love, and a romantic wedding that would lead to a perfect future. While I cherished that vision, I’ve come to accept that it is not a realistic representation of marriage. What I wasn’t prepared for, and what few people mention, is the substantial effort that marriage entails—a considerable amount of hard and intensive work. It’s not for the faint-hearted.
At times, there are profound moments of love and joy, but there are also periods of pain and conflict. I wish someone had prepared me for this reality. Yet, preparation is often impossible. You meet your partner, marry, create a family, and eventually realize that the beautiful dress was merely the start of a journey that is not always idyllic. If our parents had openly discussed the tribulations of parenting and marriage, the human race might be extinct!
I now understand that marriage encompasses both highs and lows. I will continue to navigate these turbulent waters, but I am no longer afraid to share the realities of my marriage. It is a work in progress, much like my writing, my children, and my efforts to embrace aging with grace. It may not always be Instagram-worthy. If you ask, I will be truthful because I no longer wish to hide behind a façade. My marriage is challenging yet rewarding, and I accept that. I’m here for you too—whether your marriage is thriving, struggling, or somewhere in between. Let’s talk about the hard stuff without judgment.
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In summary, marriage is a complex tapestry of experiences that requires continuous effort and communication. Acknowledging the struggles while celebrating the joys is crucial for building a resilient partnership.