It’s a sentiment we’ve all heard: “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl.” Many parents genuinely embrace this view, feeling equally excited about welcoming either gender into their lives. However, for others, this seemingly carefree attitude can feel disingenuous.
Before I became pregnant, I reassured myself that the sex of my child didn’t matter. I understood the importance of health over gender and told myself to be thankful for a healthy baby. Yet, as I approached the 20-week ultrasound, I had to admit to myself that I did have a preference. I longed for a daughter.
When we discovered we were expecting a son, an unexpected wave of emotions washed over me. While I was relieved to hear that he was healthy and thrilled at the prospect of becoming a mother, I also felt a deep, uncomfortable disappointment.
As we exited the doctor’s office, my partner celebrated with genuine joy, exclaiming, “A boy! We’re having a BOY!” His excitement was contagious, yet I found myself grappling with feelings of discontent. Why wasn’t I sharing in his joy? Why did I feel somewhat let down?
It’s essential to clarify that my gratitude for a healthy pregnancy and acknowledgment of fluid gender identity are unwavering. I was aware that love for a child isn’t determined by their gender. However, what often goes unspoken is that it is completely normal to experience gender disappointment. It’s acceptable to have a preference for a son or daughter; this doesn’t make you a bad person, but rather a human being with complex emotions.
I know several women who wept at the news of having a son, and I’ve heard fathers express concerns about raising daughters. Many mothers fear the challenges of parenting a girl, shaped by their own experiences, while fathers might feel relieved about having a daughter to avoid societal pressures placed on boys. Preferences for one gender over another arise from various personal reasons, and while these feelings may not be logical, they are entirely normal.
I had hoped for a daughter not just for the shared experiences of growing up together—like tea parties and dress-up—but also for the deeper connection that often develops between mothers and daughters during pivotal life stages. I worried about my potential disconnect with my son and societal expectations of masculinity that might feel foreign to me. Did these concerns make sense? Not really. But they were valid emotions nonetheless.
Over time, I adjusted to the reality of raising two boys. As the saying goes, there’s no singular way to be a perfect parent—there are countless paths to being a good one. Similarly, there is no definitive reaction to learning the gender of your child, but there are myriad ways to love them once they arrive.
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Summary:
Expecting parents often grapple with their preferences regarding their child’s gender, and it’s completely normal to experience feelings of gender disappointment. While societal norms may promote a nonchalant attitude, many individuals harbor deep-rooted hopes and fears tied to their own experiences. The journey of parenthood is unique for everyone, and embracing your feelings—whether they align with societal expectations or not—is part of the process.