It has been three years since my son was stillborn. I experience joy and profound sadness simultaneously; both emotions reside within me.
I continue to miss him deeply. There are moments when tears catch me off guard, like when I see a 3-year-old boy holding hands with his younger brother, who is likely around the same age as the child I still have. As they walk away, my heart aches. That could have been my son and his sibling, I think. My love for him persists, even when it feels distant.
Grief is often misunderstood. It is an expression of love—a natural response to losing someone and the hopes that vanished along with them. In the early days following my loss, people would say I was brave. Brave for continuing to live. Brave for facing each day without him. Brave for allowing myself to feel the weight of my grief. While I understand why others perceive my resilience as bravery, I wonder: why is grieving openly seen as courageous?
When I share my story, I often hear that I am courageous for talking about my son whom I loved dearly, despite his absence. What is so courageous about expressing my love and loss? Isn’t it natural for a parent to miss their child? Isn’t it normal for a mother to celebrate the impact her child had on her life, even if they are no longer present?
It shouldn’t require courage to openly discuss my loss, my child, or my grief. This should be viewed as a regular aspect of parenting. I am simply navigating motherhood in a way that differs from parents who have not faced similar loss.
I wish for greater understanding from those who have not experienced the loss of a child—family, friends, coworkers, healthcare professionals, and others. The love for a child does not diminish with death, regardless of the time we had together. Whether they were with us for days, weeks, or even just in our wombs, the love endures, and so does the grief. This is a normal part of parenting, albeit a bereaved one.
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In summary, grieving the loss of a child is a natural expression of love and should not be labeled as an act of courage. It is part of the experience of parenting, albeit in a different form.