As my daughter approaches me, her Lisa Frank coloring book clutched tightly in her hand, she flips to a page showcasing a girl with exaggerated features—large, sparkling eyes, a small nose, and perfectly outlined lips. “Do you like her?” she inquires, a question that has become increasingly common as she encounters various portrayals of girls and women in media—be it through advertisements, magazines, or even children’s books. It’s evident she is beginning to associate physical appearance with acceptance and likability.
This realization troubles me, and I often find myself responding with a vague, “She’s fine,” which does little to address my daughter’s burgeoning concern about beauty. She senses my reluctance and pushes further, asking, “Do you want to be like her?” To avoid dismissing her interest, I cautiously reply, “Sure.” My voice falters, but she interprets my hesitance as affirmation. “Well,” she instructs with an air of authority, “you just have to wear flowers in your hair like this,” as she gestures to the illustration, “and grow your hair long.”
Despite her youth—she is only four—her tone reflects an awareness that seems too mature for her age, akin to someone who might critique my makeup application in a few years. When I reflect on my own childhood in the 1980s, I recall my mother’s carefree attitude toward my fascination with appearances. She indulged my interests, such as playing with Barbie dolls or dreaming of becoming a hairdresser, without any concern that these whims would somehow compromise my self-worth or future ambitions.
While I admire my mother’s relaxed approach, allowing me to play freely, I can’t help but wonder whether today’s landscape for young girls has shifted. In contrast to my childhood, my daughter is bombarded with media messages that promote an idealized notion of beauty. Streaming platforms like Netflix and Amazon are filled with shows that often feature superficial characterizations of women, making it difficult to steer her away from materialistic portrayals. When I suggest alternatives, she simply requests more of the same.
I recognize that I can limit screen time, and I do, but the damage may already be done. My daughter has absorbed the notion that beauty equates to value and attention. Navigating this topic with her is challenging, particularly when I find myself grappling with my own mixed messages. I enjoy dressing her in stylish outfits and appreciate the joy that comes from looking good. However, I question whether this emphasis on appearance contributes to an objectifying mindset—a way of valuing ourselves and others based on how we look rather than who we are.
I fear for my daughter’s self-esteem, worried that she might internalize unattainable beauty standards and feel unworthy if she doesn’t meet them. I don’t want her to evaluate her worth or the worth of others based on superficial metrics. My hope is to cultivate a sense of kindness and resilience within her, so she can appreciate herself and others beyond mere physical attributes.
In a few weeks, I will be taking her to Disney World for the first time, where she will meet beloved princesses. However, I’ve intentionally opted out of booking a princess makeover experience at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. While I appreciate the charm of characters like Ariel, I am uncomfortable with the idea of strangers praising her beauty and transforming her appearance, making her worth contingent on superficial enhancements. Instead, I want her to embrace her true self—just as Ariel would hug her as she is.
I aspire for my daughter to connect with characters who embody strength, independence, and creativity, as I occasionally see her doing. Just the other day, she was pretending to be Rey, the resilient heroine from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I would cherish capturing that moment and displaying it prominently in her room, reinforcing the values I hope to instill in her.
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In summary, it is crucial to support our daughters in developing a sense of self that values character and resilience over conventional beauty standards. By encouraging them to embrace their authentic selves, we help them navigate the complexities of societal expectations and foster a healthier understanding of self-worth.