Parenting Insights
As I embarked on my journey into motherhood, I believed I was well-prepared. In my late 20s, I was married, educated, and had launched a consulting business that allowed me to work from home with flexibility. My background included babysitting, camp counseling, lifeguarding, and tutoring, and I had worked with over a thousand children by the time I turned 22. I adored kids, and my experience even included working with children with disabilities. In fact, my first job at 14 was as a camp counselor for children with cerebral palsy.
However, none of that experience equipped me for the reality I faced. How could my son be so distinct from the countless children I had encountered? Surely my background had prepared me in some way, right?
Consider this hypothetical scenario: Your 8-year-old, diagnosed with ADHD and autism, is doing relatively well in life but is about to be taken by a babysitter to an after-school activity that he finds “non-preferred.” On the way, the sitter stops for a bottle of water, and the child erupts into a loud scream, runs around the store, and evades both the sitter and store employees for ten minutes until one threatens to call the police.
In those early days, my late mother advised me to stop reading parenting books, suggesting parenting should come naturally. Well, if you’re observing my experiences, I wish she’d send me a divine message in a bottle about instinctive parenting because I’ve discovered a new approach: “Not Very Intuitive Parenting” (NVIP).
NVIP requires a complete reevaluation of everything I thought I knew about parenting—essentially leaving my instincts at the door. In that chaotic store scenario, my immediate response was to send my son to his room for safety. Next, I consulted with a child psychologist to discuss appropriate consequences. I also created a visual schedule of his activities and started exploring social story software, all while managing a full-time job and medical appointments for both my son and myself.
This approach also means that the “mom look” won’t suffice; my son doesn’t interpret negative facial expressions. Even if I’m seething inside, I must explicitly communicate my feelings. While traditional wisdom suggests that bribing children is ineffective, incentivizing positive behavior has proven valuable in our case. Data collection through applied behavior analysis has become essential in our daily life, tracking everything from following instructions to social interactions. Yet, none of these strategies feel instinctive.
When you witness me employing NVIP, please understand that it’s not what it appears. My son’s seemingly “bratty tantrums” are often the result of significant underlying struggles, and my responses, like offering a hug or saying “one point,” may appear inadequate but are grounded in thoughtful strategies developed with expert guidance.
My parenting approach may seem unconventional, but I’ve learned that traditional instincts aren’t always applicable. While I still rely on maternal instincts—like detecting a fever by a simple kiss on the forehead—I’ve also developed new instincts tailored to my son’s needs. There’s no fallback to “how my parents did it,” so I’ve had to innovate.
Through advocating for my son, I’ve grown as a person. While I now trust my instincts more than before, they are informed by the insights of knowledgeable professionals and online communities. Keeping pace with the latest research has reshaped my decision-making process, allowing me to rely on a specialized body of knowledge rather than mere instinct.
If you find yourself feeling lost in the world of parenting a child with special needs, know that it’s completely normal. This journey is not like riding a bicycle; it requires adaptability and a commitment to learning how best to support your child. And at the core of it all? That unwavering love is the most instinctual element of all.
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In summary, parenting a child with special needs often diverges from conventional wisdom, necessitating new strategies and approaches. While it may not feel intuitive, love and dedication remain the guiding principles.