February 15, 2016
Every morning, I confront two distinct versions of myself. The first is the real me, who stares back from the mirror, sleep in her eyes and an unenthusiastic expression on her face. The other is what I refer to as my edited self—an individual who emerges from the chaos, concealing the scars of life and masking gray hairs, presenting a polished facade to the world.
Since entering the realm of motherhood, I’ve felt an intense urge to portray myself as a more content, accomplished, and well-adjusted version of myself than what truly exists behind closed doors. This discrepancy has weighed heavily on my mind, prompting me to share the contrasts between my edited self and my authentic self:
Diet
My edited self champions the benefits of a nutritious and diverse diet, filled with fruits, vegetables, and grains I can hardly pronounce. In contrast, my real self sometimes subsists on a diet that is 80 percent chocolate, coffee, and whatever cookies I can find.
Parenting Techniques
While my edited self diligently reads articles on gentle parenting techniques and proudly declares my commitment to these practices, my true self often finds her patience wearing thin during a child’s tantrum, her voice betraying her with an angry tone.
Social Situations
In social situations with other parents—from playgrounds to birthday parties—my edited self engages effortlessly, exuding confidence. Meanwhile, my true self often feels out of place, reminiscent of high school days spent feeling awkward and unsure.
Germs
When it comes to germs, my edited self adopts a practical approach, remaining calm when my child consumes a gummy bear off the gym floor or licks the walls at the pediatrician’s office. My real self, however, quietly spirals into panic, obsessively Googling worst-case scenarios.
Loss
While my edited self presents the facade of having reconciled with the loss of my mother, my true self longs for her guidance and support, knowing that no amount of time can erase that void.
Identity Beyond Parenting
My edited self leads a fulfilling life beyond parenting, while my real self grapples daily with reclaiming the identity I once had before children, wondering what remains as they grow more independent.
Presence
I may appear engaged in enriching activities with my kids—like library story time, music classes, or arts and crafts—but my real self often finds it difficult to be genuinely present, distracted by the lure of my phone, computer, and endless to-do lists.
Self-Forgiveness
I readily advise friends to forgive themselves for parenting missteps, yet my real self is often harsh and judgmental when it comes to accepting my own mistakes, enduring emotional hangovers as a result.
Navigating life as an improved version of myself might seem easier and more acceptable, but I’ve come to realize that hiding my true self—the imperfections, awkward moments, and emotional struggles—robs me of meaningful connections. We are all in this parenting journey together, and the more we can relate to one another authentically, the more we can share our individual challenges.
Support and empathy are easier to offer and receive when we present our genuine selves. Regardless of our differences, we all share a profound love for our children and can’t imagine life without them, and that connection is undeniably real.
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In summary, the juxtaposition of my edited self and true self highlights the challenges of authenticity in motherhood. Embracing our real selves can foster deeper connections and mutual understanding among parents.