Kids have this uncanny ability to take everything you hold dear and turn it into a gooey mess—your free time, sleep, and even those rare moments of peace while using the restroom. But let’s be honest, the perks of parenthood are abundant. I’m not referring to the magical ways they help you see the world anew or the heartwarming moments that tug at your heartstrings. No, the real joy is having a perpetual Get Out of Jail Free Card at your disposal. You can place the blame for practically anything on your little ones, and it’s completely justified as a parent.
Allow me to illustrate how liberally I wield this card with my list of:
1. Slippery Floors.
Partner: “What on earth happened in the bathroom?”
Me: Peeking into the bathroom, “Ugh, her hand-washing skills are abysmal!” The reality: It was me, slathering my face with a cocktail of potions while blind without my contacts, leaving behind a sink and floor that could host an aquarium.
2. Why We Have No Snacks.
Partner, excitedly calling from the living room: “Is there any of that (delicious snack) left?”
Me, in the kitchen, trying to choke down the last morsel: “Mmm, what? Sorry, I gave the last one to Clara before bed.” The truth: Discreetly tossing the empty container of (delicious snack) deep into the trash.
3. Unpleasant Odors.
Everyone: “Eww!”
Me: “CLARA!” The reality: Me, blissfully munching on half a head of cauliflower for lunch, completely ignoring the recipe that didn’t mention “toilet humor.”
4. Why I Can’t Attend That Gathering.
Me, via text (because who talks on the phone these days?): “Oh man, I’d love to come, but Clara is under the weather.” The truth: I’m actually just switching off my phone, pretending to be a good parent while diving into another Netflix binge.
5. Why I’m Always Exhausted.
Me to a coworker, stifling a yawn and pouring coffee like it’s water: “Ugh, she was up all night having nightmares again!” The truth: Me, propped up in bed with a pile of snacks, glued to Netflix and scrolling through Instagram with bloodshot eyes.
6. Why the Floors Are Never Cleaned.
Me to friends: “The vacuum scares her to death! I just don’t want to be that strict mom, you know?” The truth: The mere effort of dragging out the vacuum, unclogging the dust bin, and moving furniture just to vacuum is exhausting. Hence, I’ve perfected the art of a quick crumb sweep when guests arrive.
7. Why My Abs Aren’t Defined.
Me, explaining to childless friends: “You know, after having a kid, that part of your body just doesn’t bounce back.” Sad face. Truth: I’ve never had toned abs, even if I devoted my life to a rigorous workout regime and a diet of egg whites and veggies.
8. Why the Car is a Disaster.
Me, offering a ride: (Awkward smile) “Kids, right? They’re just little crumb machines.” The truth: A montage of me belting out ‘90s punk songs while demolishing snacks and tossing the remnants into the backseat.
9. Why I Didn’t Finish This Article.
I decided to hit pause on my writing to spend some cherished moments with my kid, who will only be this young once. The truth: I simply took a well-deserved nap instead. Now that’s a crime I’m sure won’t land me in trouble.
10. Why I Need a Break.
Me, to anyone who asks: “I just need a moment to breathe.” The truth: I just want to binge-watch my favorite shows without interruptions.
For more relatable parenting anecdotes, check out this post about the things I once thought were because of poor parenting before I had kids. And if you’re considering home insemination, this kit is a great option to explore, along with this resource for more information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Embracing the chaos of parenting often means playfully shifting blame onto our little ones for the messes, the exhaustion, and the chaos that ensues. From slippery floors to snack shortages, it’s all part of the journey, and it’s okay to find humor in it.
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