Unlearning “I’m Sorry” for the Benefit of My Daughters

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As a mother to my spirited daughter Mia, who is not even three yet, I find her confidence remarkable. She takes up space unapologetically, whether it’s requesting a snack or expressing herself, and her carefree attitude towards life’s little mishaps, like passing gas in public, is refreshing. However, I was taken aback when I heard her utter the words, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” seemingly out of nowhere. This caught me off guard and made me reflect on the possible influences surrounding her.

In an instant, I recalled a moment when she playfully smacked her younger sister, then danced over to the fridge asking for a yogurt drink, completely unbothered. It dawned on me that her apologetic response was not sincere but rather a learned behavior, echoing something she had heard from me or others. This realization struck a chord, as I recognized that I might be inadvertently teaching her to apologize for simply existing—a behavior I often find myself guilty of.

Research shows that women tend to apologize more frequently than men, often viewing themselves as more prone to social faux pas. This tendency can be seen in various settings, from professional presentations to casual conversations, where women may feel compelled to preface their contributions with an apology. This cycle of habitual apologizing can stem from a culture that encourages women to prioritize others’ feelings over their own, leading them to perceive their actions as more offensive or bothersome.

It begs the question: Are women inherently more problematic than men? Data suggests otherwise. For instance, the incarceration rates highlight that men commit more crimes, with a ratio of about 10:1. Furthermore, studies suggest that women exhibit greater compassion and concern for others, which may heighten their sensitivity to perceived offenses.

Thus, when Mia said, “I’m sorry,” she wasn’t genuinely remorseful; she was mimicking a behavior that society often encourages. This realization has prompted me to reconsider how I communicate and express myself around her. I aim to model a more assertive approach, embracing who I am and the space I occupy without unnecessary apologies.

So, how can we shift this narrative? In practical terms, I might challenge myself to substitute “sorry” with “not sorry” when I catch myself apologizing unnecessarily. Imagine the impact if women collectively embraced their right to exist boldly, disrupting the norm that suggests they should minimize their presence.

Engaging in behaviors that defy these ingrained social expectations can create a ripple effect. What if I simply embraced my imperfections, like sharing a humorous moment about a bodily function without apologizing? Embracing this mindset could empower not only myself but also my daughter, helping her retain her confidence as she grows.

In closing, it’s vital that we consciously reshape our language and actions for the sake of the next generation. By fostering an environment where women feel empowered to occupy their space fully, we can pave the way for our daughters to flourish without the weight of unnecessary apologies.

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Summary

In this article, Dr. Rachel Thompson discusses the tendency for women to over-apologize and the impact this has on young girls like her daughter Mia. She reflects on how learned behaviors and societal expectations shape women’s communication styles and emphasizes the importance of modeling assertiveness for the next generation. By consciously changing the way we express ourselves, we can empower young girls to embrace their space confidently.

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