Recently, while shopping for a ceiling fan for the nursery I’m setting up, a sales associate named Mark confidently assured me that the fan would arrive in eight weeks—plenty of time, he thought, considering my lack of a baby bump. I smiled, choosing not to delve into my personal story; the baby is actually due in just eight weeks.
As I pen this, I’m anticipating the arrival of my little one through gestational surrogacy (using my husband’s and my own embryos, carried by a surrogate). This journey has spanned four years, filled with emotional highs and lows, not to mention financial challenges. It’s a miracle that we’re finally here; however, I still hesitate to say, “it worked,” until I can hold my baby in my arms. I often feel uneasy when I see other women share their ultrasound images on social media—I’m just not at that point.
Our journey began when I visited a specialist for high-risk pregnancies. After reviewing my medical history, he bluntly informed me that it wouldn’t be safe for me to carry a child and asked if I had anyone in mind to be my surrogate. Up until that moment, it had never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t carry my own baby. I was aware that IVF was my only pathway to pregnancy, but the idea of not being pregnant at all was foreign to me.
Over the following years, we saved diligently and secured a loan. I underwent two rounds of IVF to freeze embryos for our surrogate and conducted two fresh IVF cycles once we found her. If you’re unfamiliar with these terms, that’s perfectly okay; it’s a learning curve that many of us face during this process.
After exploring various surrogacy options, including international avenues in places like India and Canada, I received a message from a friend in Oregon in January 2013. She informed me about a nurse colleague who was eager to be my surrogate. I met this incredible woman, who had experienced uncomplicated pregnancies herself and wanted to help someone else.
A year and a half after that initial contact, she became pregnant with our child. However, it wasn’t smooth sailing; we faced two failed transfer attempts with her. But as the saying goes, “third time’s the charm.”
It’s been a strange but sometimes amusing experience to see the confusion on others’ faces when they assume I’m pregnant. Yet, there’s also a sense of isolation. I often make eye contact with other expectant mothers in stores, longing to share a bond that remains unnoticed. I don’t have the visible sign of pregnancy—a bump.
Now, at seven months along, I find myself nearing the finish line. While I consume articles and magazines about pregnancy, I rarely see mention of women who aren’t physically carrying their babies. Occasionally, I might find a hidden article if I search for “surrogacy” or “adoption,” but mainstream resources focus solely on the experiences of those who are visibly pregnant. I don’t envy those women or my brave surrogate who are facing the challenges of pregnancy; instead, I feel grateful that I can continue my daily life without physical discomfort. Still, I crave the connection that comes with feeling those midnight kicks, which my surrogate excitedly tries to share with me through video—though it never truly translates.
There’s an undeniable disconnect. I often feel like I’m part of a secret club that others can’t see; I wish to feel equal to all the mothers around me. At a recent meeting with a potential pediatrician, she mistakenly approached the very pregnant woman next to me, only to be corrected by my husband and me. While she was gracious, I felt a wave of discomfort wash over me.
Attending a baby care class reinforced this feeling. Surrounded by visibly pregnant women bustling about—pacing, needing frequent bathroom trips—it was just me and another woman who also wasn’t pregnant. We found ourselves bonding over our shared experiences, both of us navigating this unique journey of motherhood through surrogacy.
Ultimately, I remind myself to be grateful for this opportunity. Many women endure far more challenging journeys, including multiple IVF attempts, miscarriages, and complications that prevent them from carrying a child at all. My experience is a miracle, and I must acknowledge that. I eagerly await the moment I can hold my baby and establish that connection uniquely ours.
Update: Our daughter arrived three weeks ago, and she is thriving. I finally feel that connection. I’ve joined the ranks of new mothers, experiencing the joys and challenges of motherhood—sleepless nights, feedings, and the desire to keep my child safe and happy. I now serve as a source of inspiration and insight for other women facing struggles with conception. After holding my breath for four long years, I can finally breathe easy and embrace my post-baby body!
If you’re interested in learning more about surrogacy, check out this insightful article on our blog here. Additionally, for those considering at-home insemination, you might want to explore reputable resources like Make a Mom, which offers at-home insemination kits. For a detailed overview of the IVF process, this article serves as an excellent guide.
Summary:
This piece chronicles the journey of a woman navigating motherhood through surrogacy, detailing her emotional and financial challenges while emphasizing the importance of gratitude and connection. It highlights the unique experiences faced by those not physically pregnant and offers insights into the surrogacy process.
Leave a Reply