Updated: March 9, 2021
Originally Published: January 18, 2016
During a recent outing on my sixth wedding anniversary, I took my 4-year-old daughter, Mia, to run some errands. That day felt particularly uplifting; I had just secured a freelance position after a hiatus, the weather was delightful, and my husband and I were looking forward to a dinner at one of the finest restaurants in town that evening. As we approached the parking meter, Mia eagerly prepared to insert the coins, a task she relishes. Suddenly, an elderly gentleman shuffled toward us and delivered a comment that abruptly disrupted my joyful mood. “She’s adorable,” he remarked, eyeing Mia. Then, shifting his gaze to me, he asked, “Are you her mom or grandma?”
Stage 1: Shock
Was I hearing correctly? Did that man genuinely just ask if I was her grandmother? I must have misinterpreted his words. Perhaps my hearing is failing? Wait—look at how ancient he appears! Clearly, it’s his vision that needs checking.
Stage 2: Denial
I shake my head in disbelief. Surely, I don’t resemble a grandmother! No one has suggested that before. Can’t he see that I’m relatively youthful and attractive? Admittedly, I skipped my shower today and probably yesterday too, but I still look decent. This must be some sort of prank. Mia and I share similar features; there’s no way I could be her grandmother!
Stage 3: Anger
What did you just say? I don’t voice that thought out loud, but I’m certain the old man can hear my internal outrage. I turn to a bystander who overheard our exchange and ask, “Am I doing something wrong here?” He reassures me that he would never assume I was a grandmother. Exactly! Clearly, that man lacks common sense.
Stage 4: Bargaining
Hold on, sir—allow me to show you my face up close. Not too many wrinkles for someone who’s 42, right? Most people peg me in my mid-30s. Surely, a woman in her mid-30s wouldn’t be a grandmother? I should have made time to shower today. I promise to start showering every morning before I leave the house and will even apply full makeup. Maybe I’ll adopt a more fashionable wardrobe and wear heels again. Can I still rock a miniskirt? Should I get a tattoo?
Stage 5: Guilt
This man genuinely thinks I look like a grandmother. I should have become a parent sooner. Am I too late? There are plenty of women my age who are already grandmas. True, I didn’t meet my husband until my mid-30s, but instead of enjoying life for a couple of years, we should have started a family immediately—or at least after our third date. If only I could travel back in time to meet him five years earlier. Many friends had kids by then; I could have joined that journey. Am I the worst mother ever, destined for my daughter to become a notorious figure like Aileen Wuornos?
Stage 6: Depression
My life has spiraled into chaos. Everyone must think I’m my child’s grandmother. They are misleading me when they say I look young. Why should I even bother to look presentable anymore? I might as well never shower again, skip makeup, and stay in bed forever. But then who would care for Mia?
Stage 7: Acceptance
So what if I’m an older mom? I had Mia at 38, placing me in the category of advanced maternal age. I have several friends in their early 40s who have recently welcomed their first children. I’m not alone in this. Plus, didn’t Kelly Preston have a child at almost 50? It’s all okay. Eventually, I’ll feel better about this—once I figure out how to deflate that old man’s tires.
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In summary, being mistaken for your child’s grandmother can be a jarring experience, leading to a complex emotional response that includes shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, and ultimately acceptance. Embracing your journey as a parent, regardless of age, is crucial in fostering self-compassion and resilience.