Updated: June 3, 2021
Originally Published: January 12, 2016
When my eldest child reached 18 months, his eating habits took a turn for the worse. He would fuss at meals, constantly pointing toward the cabinet filled with crackers and bread, completely rejecting fruits and vegetables. Instead, he would only consume meat, cheese, and bread. It felt as if I was catering to a medieval warrior—only a tankard of ale and a scurvy diagnosis were missing. In my desperation, I attempted to disguise vegetables in scrambled eggs and smoothies, chasing him around the house with spoonfuls of peas. Dinner felt like a rodeo, a struggle where he would shake his head and laugh as I missed once again.
One day, I vented about our mealtime challenges to a friend, who shared a similar frustration with her 6-year-old daughter. “Last night, Lily asked for noodles. I made them, but she wouldn’t touch them. Then she wanted edamame, which also went untouched. Finally, she requested a bagel, and still, not a single bite. Can you believe it?” I imagined the next decade stretching ahead, and with each meal she described, I felt my anxiety rise. I was already weary from negotiating mealtime with my 2-year-old, convincing him to take just one more bite in exchange for dessert. I knew I didn’t want to continue down this path with a 6-year-old, a 10-year-old, or even a teenager.
Eventually, I stumbled upon Ellyn Satter’s transformative book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Care and Good Sense, published in 2000. This book was a game changer. Satter, a registered dietitian and family therapist, introduces the concept of a “division of responsibility” when it comes to meals: parents determine the timing, menu, and setting, while children decide whether and how much to eat. There is always something familiar on the table, like rice or bread, paired with new or experimental foods. Importantly, there is no pressure to “just taste” anything, nor is there a requirement for a certain number of bites, and dessert isn’t contingent upon how much the child eats. She advocates for family meals, where adults model healthy eating for kids.
This approach worked wonders, eliminating the drama associated with dinner. I prepare a meal and place it in front of him—while Satter suggests serving from communal dishes, we’ve simplified it to direct plate-to-pan serving. He can choose what to eat without my comments. He can have seconds if there’s enough, and he knows there are no alternative options. Two years in, he understands this routine.
Now nearly 5, my son still favors meat and bread over fruits and vegetables, but without pressure or bargaining, he has voluntarily tried more greens than I anticipated. Interestingly, I’ve found myself making vegetables more appealing, which has benefited my own diet. He enjoys foods I never expected, such as lentil stew and roasted broccoli, yet he turns his nose up at lasagna (who doesn’t love lasagna?). Yes, there are times dinner consists of “kid food” like chicken nuggets or pizza, but I also sometimes whip up my favorite dishes, like Pad Thai, reminding myself that it’s good for kids to experience their parents’ favorites too.
Dessert is not tied to his meal consumption, and we usually indulge in treats during the afternoon. Should dessert appear at dinner, I follow Satter’s advice and allow him to eat it concurrently with his meal, which surprisingly works well (he often has dessert before finishing his dinner).
So, what are the six words that changed everything? “You don’t have to eat it.” This new philosophy doesn’t eliminate my son’s protests; he still expresses dislike or declares “yuck” from time to time. Just the other day, he glanced at his plate and grumbled, “I wanted a good dinner,” which made me want to throw everything off the table in a fit of frustration. However, when he expresses distaste, I calmly respond, “You don’t have to eat it,” and enjoy my own meal.
The most significant revelation is that I no longer feel compelled to pressure him to eat or constantly monitor his food choices. As I provide nutritious and diverse meals, I can relax and let him decide what to eat, free from drama. My focus has shifted away from a mental tally of his preferred foods.
This approach has also eradicated the “short-order cook” scenario. I prepare what I want, and if my son is uninterested in, say, a squash and sausage casserole, that’s his choice. He has garlic bread, salad, and apple slices available. He may try a bite after the 20th serving, but in the meantime, I relish my meal, while my younger son picks out the sausage and enjoys the squash. Importantly, this strategy removes the power struggle over food, allowing kids to listen to their own hunger cues. Interestingly, my son rarely eats much at dinner, so I prioritize nutrition in earlier meals without stressing over the evening meal.
Of course, it’s not a perfect system. Some meals may lack creativity and aren’t particularly appealing to anyone. Family dinners don’t happen every night; sometimes it’s only one parent at the table, or even none at all, as I may not be hungry at dinner time. Nevertheless, this method has generally been successful. It prevents food from becoming a tool for rewards or punishments, which helps avoid instilling disordered eating beliefs. He doesn’t have to eat a portion of bok choy to earn dessert, nor do we compel him to ignore his body’s signals regarding hunger.
The phrase “You don’t have to eat it,” delivered in a calm tone, has revolutionized my experience. I apply this lesson to my younger son, a toddler, with equal success. He occasionally refuses to eat dinner, and while I’m tempted to feed him while he watches TV, I remind myself that he doesn’t have to eat it. Those six words can indeed end picky eating.
For further insights and resources, consider exploring this article or check out this excellent guide on home insemination. If you’re interested in home insemination kits, visit Make A Mom’s site.
Summary:
The article discusses an effective method to reduce picky eating in children by implementing a division of responsibility during mealtime. Parents decide when, where, and what to eat, while children have the autonomy to choose how much and whether to eat. The author shares personal experiences and insights from Ellyn Satter’s approach, emphasizing the importance of allowing children to express their food preferences without pressure. The six transformative words, “You don’t have to eat it,” empower children and reduce mealtime struggles, fostering a healthier relationship with food.