As a new mother, I took a three-week break after my son was born. It may seem extravagant, especially since I primarily work from home. Returning to work felt similar to extending my maternity leave, especially since I was still in my comfortable yoga pants. However, diving back into work just weeks after giving birth is a completely different experience than a leisurely maternity leave.
My newborn son had an aversion to sleep after 8 p.m., so I found myself working late into the night. One evening, my partner snapped a photo of me with my son nestled in my lap, both of us illuminated by the glow of my laptop screen. I cherish that image; it perfectly encapsulates that exhausting time in my life, and it stirs emotions within me. It isn’t resentment towards my job but rather the overwhelming fatigue that comes with the relentless pursuit of “having it all.”
While discussions of “leaning in” and “leaning out” dominate online conversations, there’s a crucial aspect that often goes overlooked: the unique experiences of individual mothers. Many days, I embody that mother—balancing endless responsibilities that often feel impossible.
I’ve navigated conference calls while changing a diaper, breastfed during grading sessions, and pumped while driving between meetings. These chaotic moments are not exclusive to me; many women face similar challenges, trying to blend their personal and professional lives seamlessly.
The notion of “having it all” varies significantly among women. Some may question my insight into this discussion, given that I’ve opted to be a work-from-home mom, which can sometimes appear similar to being a stay-at-home mom, particularly when I’m at the grocery store with my children. However, in between errands and family outings, I juggle various tasks: writing, teaching, consulting, volunteering, parenting, and managing household duties. I may not clean regularly, but I’ve learned to prioritize and delegate where necessary.
There’s a story that resonates deeply with me about a peddler who carries caps on his head. He wears a checked cap at the bottom, followed by gray, brown, blue, and finally red caps stacked precariously on top. This imagery reflects the absurdity of modern motherhood. We often find ourselves overwhelmed by responsibilities, much like the peddler who ultimately sits down and falls asleep under a tree.
Sometimes, the advice I give my children is precisely what I need to internalize myself. Just the other evening, I told my son, “Just because you can’t have cookies right now doesn’t mean they will never be yours. Dinner comes first, and the cookies will still be waiting for you afterward.”
In the context of adulthood, when have we ever expected to have everything we desire all at once? Why do I feel the need to juggle multiple responsibilities simultaneously? Upon reflection, I realize I don’t.
In the ongoing discourse about “having it all,” we often mistakenly believe we must possess all our desires at once, making it a daunting and largely unachievable goal. While I’m not suggesting we abandon the concepts of leaning in or out, perhaps it’s time to consider standing up straight, reassessing what all this leaning is truly for.
Instead of concluding with a predictable reminder that your children are young only once or that career opportunities may be fleeting, I want to emphasize that each mother’s journey is distinct. We all wear numerous hats, some of which enrich our lives while others may not. I’ve learned that it’s entirely permissible to remove a few hats. In fact, it may be the most advantageous choice, allowing us to better focus on the roles we wish to retain. Rest assured, those other hats will still be there for us to pick up later.
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In summary, the conversation around motherhood should include the recognition that it’s okay to let go of some responsibilities and focus on what truly matters.