8 Things You Should Avoid Doing Before Mom Has Her Coffee

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Dear Beloved Offspring,

By now, you should be well aware that your mother is not exactly a morning person. For your safety and my sanity, I’ve compiled a list of things to steer clear of until I have had my beloved coffee. (Oh, sweet elixir of life, how you transform me from a groggy creature into a functioning human!) Ignore this list at your own peril; you have been warned.

1. Avoid Stomping Around: Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not stomp up and down the stairs like a herd of woolly mammoths. Even the loudest elephants would be envious of the noise you create in the early hours.
2. Don’t Ask About Breakfast: You are no longer my helpless toddlers. I relinquish all responsibility for your breakfast choices. I fed you dinner last night, and that was mere hours ago. If cold pizza or a mayonnaise sandwich is what you fancy, then so be it.
3. Refrain from Asking Questions: This includes inquiries about sleepovers, allowance advances, and yogurt. I assure you that the answer to all your queries will be an emphatic “NO!” Let’s save the questions for when I’m actually awake and functioning.
4. No Television, Please: I cannot endure the antics of Sponge Bob or the Disney Channel pre-caffeine. Frankly, I’m not sure I can handle it post-coffee either, but the caffeine does remind me that I love you and helps me resist yelling obscenities.
5. Keep the Noises to a Minimum: There should be no whistling, humming, or random giggles. Please refrain from beatboxing or making any bodily noises just for your own amusement. Loud chewing of your sandwiches is also a no-go.
6. Do Not Report Injustices: No tales of sibling rivalry or so-called injustices. Save those stories for later. However, I might consider locking your sibling away until I have my coffee.
7. No Non-Family Members Allowed: On weekends, when your friends are around, please do not let them into the house. I cannot have anyone witness the pre-coffee version of me. Trust me, it’s better for everyone.
8. Do NOT Peek at My Coffee Mug: Sneaking up behind me to check how much coffee is left will only irritate me further. If you really want to see me grumpy, go ahead and do it.

Don’t worry, my sweet children, I typically return to my patient and loving self after just one cup (or two if the night was particularly rough). Just grant me a few moments of peace to gather my thoughts and energy for the day ahead. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

If you’re looking for more parenting tips, check out this post on Cervical Insemination. And if you’re considering home insemination, I highly recommend checking out Make A Mom’s website for their reputable at-home insemination syringe kits. For additional insights, don’t forget to explore Facts About Fertility, which is a great resource for pregnancy and home insemination.

Summary

In summary, navigating the morning routine before mom’s coffee can be a delicate situation. From avoiding loud noises to steering clear of breakfast questions, understanding these guidelines can help make mornings smoother for everyone involved.