In my mid-thirties, after an unexpected pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, my partner and I made the decision to actively pursue having a child. There’s nothing quite like the reality of a pregnancy to prompt serious discussions about the future of a relationship. We concluded that we wanted children together, and after a second miscarriage, the urgency of our desire shifted from “someday” to “now.” We began to realize that my body might take time to carry a child to term.
The anxiety about our ability to conceive overshadowed our financial concerns. Despite lacking stable jobs, health benefits, and financial security, we started trying for children. At the time, I was working as a bartender, while my partner pursued a career as a musician. We set aside a small amount of money to ensure I could take time off work when the baby arrived. A few years later, we welcomed a son into our lives.
After his birth, I took a brief hiatus from work, but soon returned to bartending due to our financial needs. During this period, I began writing to supplement our income. My experience as a bartender had honed my storytelling skills, and I quickly secured some paid writing opportunities. My partner and I juggled night shifts while striving for flexibility to care for our child. We became part of the vibrant, urban families in our increasingly expensive Brooklyn neighborhood. Although my partner had grown up there and I had lived there for over a decade, we began questioning our ability to sustain our city lifestyle on our modest incomes.
Fast forward a few years, and I found myself sitting on the toilet in our cramped third-floor apartment, staring at a positive pregnancy test that I had not anticipated after struggling to conceive our first child. We were preparing to welcome another child into our already precarious financial situation.
On paper, we might seem quite different from average American parents: a musician earning a living through various performances in New York City and a writer selling her words. Our Bohemian lifestyle raised eyebrows about our decision to expand our family given our financial constraints. However, our financial reality is not much different from that of many Americans who find themselves living paycheck to paycheck. We are more the norm than an exception in our increasingly affluent neighborhood.
While our combined income places us in what the census defines as “middle class,” we rarely have any extra funds. Looking at our monthly income versus expenses is a bewildering experience. We do not lead an extravagant lifestyle; we do not own a house or new cars, and we seldom indulge in non-essential items. We are just two working adults with two children in daycare.
People often respond to my writing on this topic by saying, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford.” Was I wrong to bring children into a world where we struggled financially? Should financial readiness have deterred me from following my maternal instincts?
The idea that one must be financially secure before having children is intriguing, particularly as many Americans are not. Our middle class is facing unprecedented challenges, while the costs associated with child-rearing continue to skyrocket. Census data indicates that median household income in 2012 was no higher than it was 25 years ago, yet the expense of raising children has surged.
According to a 2012 Bloomberg report, college costs soared 1120 percent over three decades, medical expenses increased by 601 percent, and food prices rose by 244 percent. Childcare costs alone have nearly doubled in the last 25 years. Families living below the poverty line experience an even harsher reality, dedicating a staggering 30 percent of their income to childcare.
The aspiration for our children to achieve more than we did is becoming increasingly unattainable amid stagnant wages and rising living costs. So what is the solution? Should we conclude that only the affluent should have the privilege of raising children? When someone advises, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford,” are they aware that they are addressing a significant portion of the population?
Expecting individuals to financially “keep up” in the face of stagnating wages and escalating living costs is unrealistic. Similarly, it is impractical to expect people to abandon their dreams of family life. I would never dissuade a couple in our position from having children due to financial concerns. We need more families invested in advocating for change. It’s vital to examine the plight of the middle class in this country. If a middle-class income fails to cover the basic costs of child-rearing, then what is the path forward? I do not have a definitive answer to that question, but I often tell friends feeling financially constrained about having children: “Have them anyway.”
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Summary
The article explores the challenges of raising children amid financial uncertainty and societal expectations regarding financial readiness for parenthood. It challenges the notion that only the financially secure should have children, highlighting the struggles of many middle-class families today and advocating for the right to parenthood regardless of financial circumstances.