Updated: Feb. 7, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 8, 2011
Scene: Our Dining Room Table
Daughter: “How do you know you should marry someone?”
Son: “When you meet the right person, a spark happens. Then you have to nurture that spark until it becomes a flame, and eventually, a bonfire in your marriage. And wick size is crucial. A small wick means the spark can fizzle out. Daddy’s wick is huge, and it keeps Mommy happy.”
He’s only ten, right?
All jokes about wicks aside (and trust me, there are plenty), this conversation unfolded after we shared the story of our engagement with the kids over dinner. They were captivated by the tale of how Mark chose my ring, the planning behind our proposal, and how I said yes.
It dawned on me that our children perceive “us” in a completely different light than I do. Their understanding of our relationship is rooted in the present moment—specifically, the mom they see juggling carpools and the dad who funds their extracurricular activities. They have no concept of us “B.C.”: Before Children. It’s painfully clear they don’t really know me, especially when my son asked if a Beach Boys song was something I jammed to in college (no offense to my fellow Beach Boys enthusiasts).
There is so much they’re unaware of regarding the B.C. “us.”
They don’t know that during our first date in 1995, as I stood by the ocean, I felt an undeniable spark while gazing into his striking blue eyes. In that moment, I understood that my winding path of past relationships had led me to the man I would spend my life with.
They’re oblivious to the fact that on my 21st birthday, it was Mark who took me out to celebrate, as my friends were… well, not exactly legal for the occasion. The notion that their father often had to gently coax me off the bar so we could head home would surely surprise them (let’s keep this secret between us, shall we?). And we definitely won’t mention the housewarming party I threw in our first apartment…
They weren’t there when I walked down the aisle, and he couldn’t hold back the tears as he uttered, “You’re beautiful.” They’d probably get a kick out of hearing how we couldn’t stop giggling during the “for richer or poorer” vow, considering we had a whopping $23 in our savings account that day (true story—thank goodness for wedding gifts!).
They have no idea that Mark and I worked together, sanding, painting, and hammering away until our first house—purchased with every penny we saved—was just right. My kids likely don’t realize I can handle a pneumatic nail gun like a pro and that my spackling skills are top-notch.
And they certainly weren’t there to witness our shock and elation when that little stick revealed two pink lines—marking the transition from “us” to “we.” Over time, that “us” has transformed into a busy, chaotic, and all-consuming “we.”
There’s so much they don’t know about the B.C. “us.”
Three trips to Disney World before kids. Two-door cars without a single French fry on the floor. Friends who regularly used our first names every Friday night. Countless little details about who we were back then compared to who we are now.
In today’s parenting landscape, our kids often define us. As couples and individuals, we’re shaped by our children’s activities, their achievements, and the lives they lead. It’s easy to forget who we were B.C. It’s all too simple to overlook that you once danced on a bar or took spontaneous road trips in the middle of the night with your friends. It’s easy to forget that WE WERE HERE FIRST.
While I don’t feel the need to share every single story from my B.C. days (trust me, some stories are best left untold), I do make an effort to tell them snippets from that time so they can appreciate who I am and how I evolved into the domestic goddess I am today.
Amidst the hectic days of parenting, when every day feels like a repeat of the last, looking into those same blue eyes across the dinner table serves as a reminder of who I once was and who I still am at my core.
For more insights on parenting and family life, you can check out this informative post on Intracervical Insemination, which discusses various aspects of parenting. Additionally, if you’re exploring the journey of parenthood, Make A Mom offers reliable at-home insemination kits. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit NICHD.
Summary
This reflection on the pre-parenting days highlights the contrast between who we were before kids and who we are now. Our children see us through a lens shaped by their experiences, often forgetting the vibrant lives we led before they arrived. Sharing snippets of our past with them helps bridge that gap, reminding us of our identities beyond parenting.
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