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Parenting
We Are an Authentic Family, Thank You Very Much
by Emily Thompson
Updated: August 16, 2019
Originally Published: December 17, 2015
Our family frequently faces questions, curious looks, and a variety of assumptions. Ever since my partner and I embraced parenthood over five years ago, we’ve encountered a myriad of inquiries.
- “Are they all your biological children?”
- “I can’t imagine giving my child away.”
- “Are you their caretaker?”
- “Isn’t adoption usually very costly?”
- “From which country did they come?”
- “Why didn’t you adopt Caucasian children?”
- “Aren’t many adopted children, you know, troubled?”
- “Isn’t open adoption confusing for the kids?”
- “Oh! How wonderful that you adopted children in need of loving homes.”
- “Are they foster children?”
- “Are you worried their biological parents will try to reclaim them?”
We’ve become adept at navigating the multitude of questions and statements we receive. Rarely does a day pass without someone approaching us to inquire about our adoption journey.
Some people seem to think we’ve taken on the role of educators about adoption. After all, we consciously chose this route to parenthood, and our status as an adoptive family is visible. I am white, while our three children are Black. With each year, we’ve grown more open, patient, and resilient. We’ve learned how to respond with education, kindness, and honesty, all while safeguarding our children’s privacy.
However, there is one question that consistently irritates me, making my chest tighten and my face flush.
“Are they real siblings?”
Picture this: you’re at a store with your family, and someone in line ahead of you turns to observe your lively children (who are constantly touching, bouncing, giggling, and shrieking). After a quick glance at the chaos, the person asks, “Are they real siblings?”
It’s not a question you expect, nor is it welcome when you’re juggling groceries, diapers, and random sale items while managing energetic children.
Why is it unexpected? Because you’re simply a parent striving to keep your kids safe, happy, and healthy. You’re at the store like any other family, gathering essentials. Additionally, your children are present, and they deserve the same respect that all children should receive. They aren’t subjects for inquiry regarding adoption.
Consider the people you cherish deeply—your closest friend, your partner, your parents, your sister’s step-son, your neighbor who always looks out for you, or your favorite teacher. These individuals may not be your biological relatives, but your love for them is profound and genuine.
I’ve been posed the “real” question numerous times, and I understand the intent behind it. The word “real” is often a substitute for “biological.” However, it’s essential to think about the innocent children beside me. The term “real” can be confusing, intrusive, and hurtful.
My children behave like any siblings do: they argue, reconcile, share toys, enjoy bath time together, and play games. They fight and make up, dance with joy when their favorite song plays, and care for one another.
They are real individuals with their own thoughts and emotions. Just so you know, they can hear when adults direct questions about our family’s authenticity towards us, the parents.
Our love is genuine.
Our family is authentic.
It’s all real.
Next time you see a family at a store, park, restaurant, or library that may not appear biologically related or may have come together through adoption, it’s perfectly acceptable to smile. But please, keep the word “real” to yourself. As my mother always said, just because you think something doesn’t mean you need to voice it.
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In summary, our family’s bond is genuine, regardless of our biological ties. It’s important for society to recognize that love and connection can exist beyond genetic relationships.