Four years ago, after settling my toddler into bed, I dedicated 15 minutes to restoring order to our living room. Each toy had its designated spot, ensuring we could easily locate it the following day. Among our collection were five wooden peg puzzles. Every day, my daughter would scatter their pieces across the floor, and each night, I would meticulously return them to their proper places—letters, numbers, animals, and shapes—all organized for easy access.
My reasoning was straightforward. If the toys and puzzles weren’t returned to their rightful places, how would we find them later? How could my daughter learn her letters with the alphabet scattered chaotically around the room?
I also had strong beliefs about her diet—organic was non-negotiable!—and how much sleep she should be getting: a solid 12 hours plus two naps of at least 40 minutes each. I immersed myself in parenting literature, becoming somewhat obsessive about these “rules” because I was determined to be a good mother. I believed that by adhering to these guidelines, I was preparing my daughter for a successful future.
However, in just four years, my perspective has shifted dramatically. I now understand that my compulsive need to restore order was rooted in control—a response to the turmoil I felt within my marriage. What I couldn’t acknowledge back then was my profound unhappiness. Two years ago, I made the decision to file for divorce, and nine months have passed since the finalization.
Initially, after serving the divorce papers, my ex-husband and I were forced to cohabitate for over a month due to lack of alternatives. It felt like living in a haunted house; I would jump at his presence and tremble with each sound he made. During this turbulent time, he often played Aloe Blacc’s song “The Man” loudly from the basement, a fitting anthem for his arrogance, while dancing with our children.
He once told me, “You dropped a nuclear bomb, and now it’s war.” And indeed, it has been a battle ever since. In my attempts to co-parent, I reached out with requests for collaboration for the children’s benefit, but my pleas met only with resentment and anger.
Despite my willingness to compromise during mediation—where I offered more than my attorney deemed reasonable—my ex-husband’s demands only intensified, and we ultimately found ourselves heading to trial. The four days of proceedings in a cold, rainy December culminated in a verdict that left me with the ongoing repercussions of his tactics to evade child support, which have plagued me ever since.
Even with court orders in place, he often restricts my communication with our children during his custody time. We now have a court-appointed parenting coach to oversee our interactions because he refuses to engage without hostility. Two years post-separation, the conflict remains high.
Recently, while playing a game with friends, we asked our kids to describe their parents using just one word. My daughter called me a “writer.” When the question turned to her father, she said, “Hates Mommy the most!” It was a candid moment that encapsulated our situation, and I realized how challenging it has been to piece together my daughter’s world amidst the turmoil.
Over time, I have learned that being a good mother no longer hinges on rigid schedules or dietary restrictions. Rather, it involves letting go of control and striving to rise above the difficulties. I have embraced various philosophies around mindfulness, faith, and trust, all of which have aided my journey.
However, the emotional weight of knowing that the other half of my children’s parental unit has positioned himself as my adversary is a constant struggle. A man who once shared my life, celebrated holidays, and witnessed the birth of our children now appears to derive satisfaction from my hardships.
This reality has reshaped my understanding of parenting, relationships, and human nature. Even routine tasks, like enrolling my daughter in gymnastics, require extensive planning and negotiation. Yet, I remain committed to providing my children with a nurturing environment—one where they feel safe, respected, and free.
Parenting, marriage, and life are complex, especially when co-parenting with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits. This experience has demanded more resilience than I ever thought possible, forcing me to confront my ego and relinquish my desire for control.
Each day, instead of focusing on reassembling the pieces of my daughter’s world, I concentrate on myself. If I falter, I resolve to improve. If I have a good day, I express gratitude. I repeat this cycle because it’s crucial to understand where to find the essentials: faith, hope, gratitude, forgiveness, and love. These are the true foundations of good motherhood.
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Summary
The article discusses the challenges of co-parenting with an adversarial ex-spouse, emphasizing the emotional toll it takes on a parent. Through personal anecdotes, it explores the shift in priorities from strict parenting rules to fostering a nurturing environment for children. The author highlights the importance of faith, gratitude, and self-reflection amidst ongoing conflict, ultimately redefining what it means to be a good mother.