When my partner Jamie was a child, their father faced unemployment for several years while their mother became the family’s primary provider. Jamie’s mother looks back on that time with pride, reminiscing about her determination and hard work. In contrast, Jamie’s father has often referred to that period as “the time I babysat Jamie.”
This characterization is not only frustrating; it diminishes the vital role a father plays in their child’s life, equating parenting to mere babysitting. The notion that mothers engage in “mothering” while fathers merely “babysit” is preposterous. My partner’s style of caring for our child is nothing like babysitting at all.
Let me illustrate:
Recently, I had a deadline to meet, and Jamie graciously offered to look after our 16-month-old while I worked. Shortly after taking the baby downstairs for breakfast, our little one appeared back upstairs, fork in hand, ready for playtime. To my surprise, Jamie was sound asleep on the couch. This, I ask you, is that the behavior of a caregiver? Certainly not. I would have to let that caregiver go.
When our professional caregiver arrives, she brings an array of engaging activities for our child. However, Jamie’s idea of quality time often involves trips to the hardware store for light bulbs.
The caregiver ensures the kitchen is tidy after meals, while Jamie has been known to remove batteries from smoke detectors after a pizza mishap. I would have concerns if a caregiver attempted something like that.
The caregiver gives our child baths and gets him into his pajamas, while Jamie sometimes puts him to bed in the same clothes he wore earlier, sticky hands and all. If a caregiver did that, they wouldn’t be invited back.
The caregiver calms our fussy child with gentle songs and cuddles, whereas Jamie has no qualms about letting him roll around on the floor of a Home Depot. That would not be acceptable from a caregiver.
When our child is unwell, the caregiver follows my detailed instructions for medication and sends me updates on his condition. Jamie, on the other hand, might take him on outings to the mall instead. I would certainly have feedback if a caregiver tried that approach.
The caregiver teaches our child about proper handwashing, while Jamie finds joy in introducing him to the excitement of flushing toilets—constantly. This is not a skill I would seek in a caregiver.
While the caregiver tidies up during naptime and enjoys some reading, Jamie typically heads outside to tackle yard work. While I appreciate the effort, I would prefer a caregiver to stay inside with the sleeping child.
The caregiver receives payment for their services, while Jamie enjoys the rewards of having a happy child and an adoring partner.
Would I hire my partner to care for our child?
Absolutely not. Their approach to childcare is far too relaxed and carefree. Their parenting philosophy diverges significantly from mine or that of our caregiver. Jamie does not embody “mothering” and is worlds away from what could be described as “babysitting.” It does concern me, this laid-back attitude. I often wish Jamie would share my level of concern for our child’s safety. I want them to be as cautious as I am, to wrap our child in protective layers while engaging in safe play.
I have observed that fathers may not excel as caregivers, but they can thrive as dedicated parents. Ultimately, I recognize that our child benefits immensely from the unique experience of being “fathered,” just as much as from being mothered or cared for by a professional. I understand the value of those spontaneous trips to the hardware store, even if it means wearing footie pajamas. The moments they share together are far more significant than the questionable meals they might have. Even if our child happens to take a tumble at the park while running a slight fever, he will know his father loves him and will take care of him in his special way.
While I may worry when I’m not home, I know that Jamie and our child will be laughing, exploring, and creating memories together—whether it’s having water fights in chilly weather or indulging in too many spicy snacks. They will have adventures that might lead to scrapes and bruises, and when I return, I will clean those hands and kiss those knees, knowing that all three of us—mother, father, and child—are better for it.
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In summary, while my partner’s caregiving approach might not meet conventional standards, their influence as a father is invaluable. The experiences they share together contribute to our child’s development in ways that a typical caregiver’s methods might not replicate.