Yesterday marked an ordinary day in our household. I woke up, showered, and got ready before heading to gather the kids. My partner, Jake, also got ready and took the dogs for a walk. After dropping the children off at daycare, we both returned to our respective work tasks. Upon picking them up later, we returned home, where Jake took our youngest to see the puppies, who had been eagerly awaiting us.
After putting away our jackets and shoes, I started to tidy up the kitchen table, clearing it of papers and odds and ends. This is when the situation unfolded. As Jake entered the living room with our toddler, he casually placed the child’s jacket and shoes on the table before heading to the cupboard for a snack—yes, a snack for himself. At that moment, I felt compelled to ask, “Can you help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As I spoke those words, a realization washed over me. The phrase “help me out” was inaccurate; it diminished his role as an equal partner in our household. I quickly corrected myself, saying, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s simply putting away your child’s things.” He silently complied, and that moment transformed my perspective.
I resolved never to ask Jake for “help” again unless it involved an extraordinary situation, like dealing with an unsettling insect. There are several reasons for this decision:
- Diminishing His Value: Jake is an adult and an equal partner. Referring to him as a helper undermines his autonomy and contributions. If there’s something he misses, I can directly communicate what needs to be done, without framing it as a favor.
- Imposing Responsibility: I do not bear the sole responsibility for our household. Using phrases like “help me out” implies that I own the duty of keeping everything organized, which is not my intention. I want to share the load equally, not take on 100% of it.
- Setting an Example for Our Children: I want our boys to understand that participating in household tasks is not a favor but a shared responsibility. I desire them to take pride in being active partners in their future relationships.
- Undermining Our Partnership: Jake is my partner, not someone I manage. We may have different approaches, but our ultimate goal remains the same: creating a happy, healthy family environment. I want him to see his role as a father and partner, not simply as someone who assists me.
Next time I encounter the situation of Jake leaving his laundry in the dryer for an extended period, instead of asking for “help,” I’ll straightforwardly tell him to move it. This shift in language not only clarifies expectations but also strengthens our partnership.
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In summary, by changing the way we communicate about household responsibilities, we can foster a more equitable partnership that sets a positive example for our children, allowing both partners to thrive and contribute equally.