Updated: Aug. 16, 2019
Originally Published: November 22, 2015
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Navigating life as a divorced mother has been a journey I’ve been on for ten months. I won’t include the year prior, during which my former partner and I were separated, because I genuinely believed there was a chance for us to reconcile. So, ten months it is. While this may not seem like a long period, it has provided enough time for me to process my emotions and confront the reality of my situation.
Here’s where I stand: I feel broken.
This feeling shouldn’t be mistaken for still being in love or feeling incomplete without a partner. Indeed, my heart has endured significant pain throughout this process. I fought for our marriage long past the point of reason, driven by my affection for him, even when every indication suggested that reconciliation was unlikely. Although my heart has begun to heal since those initial, painful blows, what continues to weigh heavily on me are the voids created by my new life as a divorced mother.
My daughter is six years old. She now has two homes, each with its own distinct parenting style and way of life. She has had to adapt to these differences, yet she also remembers a time when things were different. She recalls a single household with both parents, the ability to ask her father for help when I was busy, and family dinners together. That sense of security from having her family under one roof is now replaced with a void that causes me the deepest sorrow.
I recognize that divorced families are common today; they have been for decades. This familiarity does not lessen the pain that children experience. My daughter, for all her resilience and adjustment, still feels the hurt. She is sensitive and worries about our feelings, often feeling guilty when she prefers to be with me on her father’s scheduled visits. She still longs for her dad to live with us again, and her questions about his return sting just as sharply now as they did the first time she asked. This is a significant part of her development, and it’s not the life I envisioned for her.
I never intended to navigate this journey alone. We do co-parent and, at times, it goes well, but this is not the family life I desired. The absence of a partner creates a considerable void in my life. I didn’t marry and have a child merely to alternate custody arrangements. More profoundly, it’s the small moments—dinner conversations, making joint decisions, and comforting a sick child at 2 a.m.—that I miss most. It’s not just about the person missing; it’s the companion who was integral in building our life together.
I often feel pangs of jealousy when I see intact families at the mall, restaurants, or school events. Viewing friends’ posts on social media celebrating anniversaries and holidays can stir up bitterness within me as well.
The void I feel when my daughter is with her father is palpable. Those nights when I’m not part of her life weigh heavily on my heart. The emptiness is stark when I pass her empty room on my way to bed, knowing I can’t comfort her if she wakes up scared. While I appreciate moments of solitude, it is not the reprieve from parenting I had hoped for. Instead, I find myself worrying about her well-being—whether she’s eating well, feeling okay, or completing her homework.
Some people might think I am “lucky” because her father is involved in her life. However, this is not luck but rather a bittersweet reality. While I appreciate that he fulfills some of his responsibilities, the ideal situation would involve both parents fully committed to their roles while still being a family. Unfortunately, I must accept a semblance of what he is willing to provide.
This brokenness can feel isolating, and it has robbed me of much joy. There have been countless nights spent in tears, mourning the fragments of my previous life. Last year, I was deep in the divorce process, watching everything unravel. The pieces have landed, creating a mess that I must now navigate.
What I’ve realized is that some things will remain broken, as there are too many fragments to restore. However, I am striving to transform this chaos into something beautiful. Instead of attempting to piece everything back together, I am learning to create something new and perhaps even more extraordinary.
I am on my way. I am discovering that resilience and independence are powerful lessons in my new normal. Embracing a certain level of brokenness is necessary, and I am learning to live with it.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of divorce and parenting can be overwhelming. The emotional toll of separation affects not only the parents but also the children involved, creating voids that may never fully heal. However, embracing the journey of resilience and independence can lead to personal growth even amidst brokenness.