A friend of mine recalls a fragmented memory of being transported into a trauma unit on a stretcher. He had just attempted to take his own life and was fortunate to survive. He remembers the stark lights overhead, the hustle of voices and hands around him, and the moment when his garments were forcibly removed. Even in that state of near-unconsciousness, he felt an overwhelming wave of humiliation wash over him. That, dear readers, is true shame.
Recently, while traveling with my children, I encountered a situation that could have easily been labeled as “mom-shaming.” During breakfast at a hotel, a stranger shot me a disapproving glare as my lively preschoolers played nearby. She turned to me and exclaimed, “Oh my God. Will you please control your children?”
Yet, this is not what shame truly means.
In recent years, scholars like Brené Brown have shed light on concepts such as shame and vulnerability, helping many individuals, including myself, find deeper meaning in life. Shame is a profound emotion that deserves honest discussion. However, it has become trivialized in our everyday language.
After the incident at the hotel, I could have proclaimed myself a victim of mom-shaming. I could have ranted about intolerant individuals and how their negativity complicates motherhood. In that moment, I could have confronted her rudeness, arguing that children are simply being children. But labeling it as shame would have been misleading.
The woman at the breakfast bar did not shame me; she embarrassed me, certainly. However, I did not feel ashamed. Instead, her rudeness was a stark reminder of the diversity of values within our society. In that instance, my children were acting in a way that clashed with her preference for a quiet breakfast atmosphere. Simultaneously, her dismissive remarks conflicted with my belief in treating others with kindness. This was not a matter of personal shame; it was a clash of differing values.
Contrast that with my friend on that gurney. When he experienced humiliation despite being unconscious, he was grappling with a profound sense of shame. When one’s dignity feels threatened, it becomes imperative to confront the shame that lingers. Thankfully, he was able to navigate through those feelings in the weeks that followed.
Shame is a very real emotion that can hinder and devastate lives. It is essential to refrain from labeling every conflict as “shaming.” When faced with disapproving glances or harsh comments, what you are often experiencing is a clash of values, leading to feelings of embarrassment or anger, not shame. You may wish to disappear rather than confront the situation, as I did that morning with my exuberant children. In the end, though, life continues. This is not shame; it is simply part of the human experience.
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Summary:
In conclusion, the distinction between embarrassment and shame is crucial. While conflicts often arise from differing values, they do not equate to the deep emotional turmoil associated with true shame. Understanding this difference can lead to a healthier perspective on parenting and interpersonal interactions.