When I consider my approach to parenting, it often feels like I’ve taken the more challenging route. For example, if my children fail to greet others in an elevator, I respond with a pointed look and a ten-minute discussion about empathy. I could easily disregard their lack of courtesy or simply praise them for any little thing they do, but I find it impossible to overlook ungratefulness or a lack of compassion. Each day, I prepare myself to enforce certain standards, hoping to cultivate decent human beings. Here are ten principles that I adhere to, which demand considerable effort but hopefully yield positive results.
1. Honesty in Competition
I refrain from sugarcoating the reality of losing. Although I strive to deliver the truth kindly, it’s essential for my child to grasp that competitions often have winners and losers. For new parents, I strongly encourage you to communicate this concept clearly. If you’re inclined to give participation trophies for games with a single winner, it’s worth reconsidering the implications of that practice.
2. Selective Display of Artwork
Not every piece of art makes it onto the refrigerator. While I appreciate the significance of creative expression in my children’s lives, I draw the line at subpar efforts. Occasionally, my child, Emma, will present me with a few scribbles and a stick figure and expect it to be displayed as if it’s a masterpiece. That’s not happening.
3. Birthday Party Criteria
Prior to agreeing to attend a birthday party, my children must present a compelling case. I ask questions like, “How well do you know the birthday child?” and “What do they cherish most?” One critical query is whether they would buy a gift with their own money, which helps me gauge their investment in the friendship.
4. Food Freedom
I never force my children to eat. I avoid ultimatums like, “If you don’t eat this, then…” because I fear it may breed a dislike for food. My rules are straightforward: 1) This is dinner, and 2) If it’s not to your liking, you can refer to Rule A.
5. Simplified Lunch Packing
I do not engage in elaborate lunch preparations. This isn’t a dig at the creative parents who meticulously arrange lunch items; I simply lack the creativity and willpower for it. No train-shaped sandwiches here!
6. Digital Detox
We have designated times for “electronic bans” to prevent my children from slipping into a mindless, zoned-out state. I usually select a specific time when all screens are off-limits (which often results in a bit of chaos as they react to the sudden change).
7. Imaginative Play
I don’t discourage my boys from playing war games. While my daughter enjoys playing with dolls, my sons engage in imaginative battles. Our home is a blend of glitter and Nerf guns, where the sounds of playful gunfire coexist with the adventures of My Little Pony.
8. Strategic Bribery
When my children misbehave, especially with guests arriving, I often utilize incentives. The key is to remind them that if they mention the bribe, the deal is off. They usually test this boundary once, but they eventually learn that cooperation yields better rewards.
9. Discussing Difficult Topics
When the topic of death arises, I don’t shy away from it. After a public figure’s passing sparked curiosity in my child, I chose to address it directly. I believe in having mature conversations about sensitive subjects, and children generally appreciate this honesty.
10. The Three-Minute Rule
I’ve implemented what I call the Three-Minute Law, which underscores the importance of the first and last moments of my child’s day. Initially skeptical, I noticed a significant improvement in behavior when I took the time to gently wake them, ask about their breakfast preferences, and check in on their day during our nightly wind-down.
While I’ve encountered various philosophies that advocate for a more lenient approach, my experiences with rude adults have reinforced my commitment to instilling a dose of reality in my children, all while enveloping them in love. Perhaps one day, they will connect these lessons to real-life situations, resulting in them becoming decent human beings. For now, I must pause to explain why it’s unacceptable for my 10-year-old to address me as if I were a server.
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In summary, fostering well-mannered children requires a delicate balance of honesty, structure, and open communication. By setting clear expectations and engaging in meaningful discussions, we can guide our children toward becoming thoughtful and respectful individuals.