Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 18, 2015
“Mom, you know what’s really frustrating?”
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“Whenever I know the answer, the teacher never calls on me. But when I don’t know the answer, that’s when she picks me.”
“I understand; that can be really annoying. It happened to me too.”
“But what’s worse is that she always gives the easy ones to the smart kids.”
The phrase “smart kids” lingered in the air, heavy and unsettling. I paused, mid-fold of a tiny long-sleeve shirt, grappling with the implications of her words. My first instinct was to reassure her with the popular idea that there are no inherently “smart kids” and to encourage her growth mindset, the very concept promoted at her elementary school—that intelligence is determined by effort. Yet, her words ricocheted through my mind, and I found myself at a loss for an appropriate response.
Later that evening, while sorting through a second load of laundry with my partner, I expressed my bewilderment that my six-year-old had already grasped the concept of “smart kids.” Where had she encountered this idea? How had she, within just a few weeks of first grade, begun to categorize her classmates? And most troubling of all, why was she starting to see herself as outside of that category?
The real challenge wasn’t merely her use of the phrase; it was the uncomfortable recognition that I had used it myself throughout my life. From my teenage years to my time in college and law school, I had often assessed my intelligence in comparison to others. Did I measure up to my colleagues? Would I appear foolish among more experienced peers? The internal dialogue was all too familiar.
At 16, I enjoyed spending time with the smart kids because they brought humor into my life. At 23, I sought out intelligent peers for my study group to encourage my own academic performance. Throughout my life, I’ve been drawn to those I considered “smart.” Yet, despite these truths, I often felt less intelligent in comparison.
What was causing this discomfort? Was it the complexity of acknowledging intelligence in others while trying to preserve a child’s innocence? I know that after sharing this, some might ask, “Who did she mean? Was it that kid or this one?” It’s a fantasy to think that such comparisons don’t occur at any age.
Instead of dismissing her observations, it seems more damaging to undermine her understanding of social dynamics. It’s crucial to validate her feelings and encourage her to share her thoughts without fear of judgment. I aim to reiterate that true success stems from effort and that intelligence is merely one of many admirable traits.
While I may not have the perfect answer, I believe it’s important to acknowledge her reality.
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In summary, recognizing and addressing how children perceive intelligence among their peers is crucial for their social development. Acknowledging their observations while promoting a growth mindset can help them navigate their feelings about intelligence without undermining their self-worth.