In my household, there’s no doubt that I am the preferred parent. My child calls for me in the night, seeks my comfort when she’s hurt, and runs to me first when we return home. While this may sound enviable, it presents its own unique challenges.
Initially, I was eager to be enveloped in that deep, unconditional love that young children often exhibit. As a parent, I’ve experienced that affection countless times—cherishing the warm hugs, being part of her playful explorations, and feeling like the ultimate problem-solver. However, being the favored parent comes with a significant price.
Being the “go-to” parent means I am perpetually on standby. For instance, when my child cries out in the middle of the night, I know that she’s specifically calling for me. This reality makes it difficult to enjoy rare evenings out, as I often find myself anxious about how bedtime is unfolding. Coming home to a child who has been crying for me for hours is heartbreaking. Weekend getaways? Those are out of the question. The constant physical demands are overwhelming; my child clings to my leg, tugs at my arm, and seeks my presence at every turn.
Take this Saturday morning: my daughter wakes at 6 a.m. and calls for me. Even though it’s my chance to catch up on sleep, my partner reluctantly gets up. I burrow deeper under the covers, but the cries for “Mummy!” pierce through. Despite my exhaustion, I eventually relent and head downstairs, knowing that my presence is what she craves.
The most difficult aspect of being the favorite parent is the impact it has on my partner, Alex. My child’s calls for me implicitly mean she is not calling for Alex, leading to feelings of rejection when my partner tries to comfort her. My child, now a toddler, lacks the awareness to understand the emotional toll this favoritism can take on Alex. This is further complicated by the fact that we are a two-mother family. My child’s preference for me cannot be easily explained away with traditional notions of maternal bonds—when she chooses me, it’s a clear choice between two mothers. In moments of frustration, Alex often wonders aloud, “Why does she H-A-T-E me?”
I reassure Alex that our child’s love is not lacking. On some mornings, my daughter greets Alex with open arms, and they share plenty of affectionate moments. Bedtime stories read by Alex are cherished, even if I am not present. My child’s declarations of love are sincere, but they don’t change the fact that I am the preferred parent.
We strive to mitigate this favoritism. We both respond when our child falls, regardless of proximity. I still make time for outings, even if it means hearing her cry as I leave. Alex reassures me, often saying, “It’s OK! We’ll manage!” I go out, and everything turns out fine.
When Alex expresses her concerns, I remind her that she is not unloved. Our child’s heart has room for both of us, even when she is calling my name. I emphasize that it’s normal for me to be the favorite for now, understanding that this dynamic will shift over time. There will come a day when our child confides in Alex or turns to her for support during challenging times. And eventually, during the tumultuous teenage years, she might even express anger towards me. In those moments, we will reassure her that she is loved and safe in both our arms.
In our family, the true favorite is clear: it’s our child.
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Summary
Being the preferred parent brings both joy and challenges, impacting not only the parent-child dynamic but also the relationship with the other parent. While it is gratifying to be the one your child calls for, this favoritism can create feelings of rejection in the other parent. Open communication and shared parenting efforts can help ease these tensions, knowing that love exists for both parents, even if one is currently favored.