My 32-week check-up mirrored all my previous visits. Strong heartbeat? Check. On track with measurements? Check. Weight gain? Double check.
“Only eight more weeks to go!” my midwife declared cheerfully.
“Ugh. I was really hoping you’d say there was some kind of mathematical error, and I’m actually due tomorrow. I’m so over this.”
She chuckled. “I’m afraid not. It’s the final stretch. Hang in there, and try to appreciate this time.”
As I wiped away the sticky gel from my belly, I felt enormous, uncomfortable, unattractive, sad, and bitter. Appreciate this time? I had detested every moment of my pregnancy, and it was only getting tougher. How could I possibly endure another two months? The thought made me want to cry.
Five days later, my water broke. After eight days of hospital bed rest, I gave birth to a tiny premature baby.
Motherhood immediately ushered in a flood of emotions I was prepared for: joy, frustration, fear, compassion, anxiety, empathy, and, of course, love. I felt each of these emotions intensely, often all at once. It was overwhelming, but I recognized it as normal—hormonal and expected. I didn’t let myself drown in this emotional tide; I stayed afloat for my baby.
However, the one feeling that consistently knocked me down was the one I hadn’t anticipated: guilt.
From the moment my preterm baby entered the world, I was overwhelmed by a crushing sense of guilt. It felt as if my body had grown tired of my complaints during pregnancy and said, “You wanted to be done? Fine, you’re done.” I believed my selfish thoughts had somehow caused my baby’s early arrival. I know how irrational this sounds; my doctors confirmed that my water breaking was an unpredictable event, completely outside my control. Yet, the guilt lingered. It occupied my thoughts nearly as frequently as my dreams of a full night’s sleep.
I felt guilty when they informed us our baby would be admitted to the NICU. I felt guilt during every visit and even more when I was not there, busy pumping or desperately trying to prepare our home for his arrival (my baby shower had not yet taken place). I felt guilt that he came home attached to a breathing monitor due to concerns about his lung development. I felt guilty about everything.
Now, my son is five months old. He is healthy, happy, and perfect—not just in my eyes but also in the views of healthcare professionals. Yet, the guilt remains a constant presence in my daily life. Each time I think I’ve forgiven myself for a parenting “failure,” whether significant (like having a preemie) or minor (like not reading to him before bed), a new source of guilt emerges.
Today’s Guilt List
Here’s a glimpse of the trivial matters I’ve felt guilty about today alone, and it’s only 3 p.m.:
- I didn’t kiss my partner goodbye this morning. In fact, I don’t think I kissed him goodnight last night either. Guilt x 2.
- I didn’t take our dog for a long enough walk during lunch.
- I dropped my baby off at the sitter still in pajamas.
- I dropped my baby off at the sitter, period. I feel immense guilt about returning to work. I thought I had forgiven myself for that one. Turns out, I was mistaken.
- I’m working from home, but I’ve completed more housework than actual work.
- I haven’t done enough housework.
- I spent $60 on a custom baby book from Etsy and haven’t filled in a single page.
- I haven’t switched out my seasonal clothes because I’ve been too lazy.
- I stopped pumping.
- I can’t afford to buy my little one those adorable plaid shirts and cardigans seen on Pinterest, so he wears hand-me-down sweatpants daily.
- I treated myself to a coffee from a fancy café instead of using our home coffee maker.
- I haven’t worn makeup in months (I’m serious).
- I haven’t worn my hair down in weeks (I’m also serious).
- I haven’t visited the gym since giving birth, but I refuse to cancel my membership because I’m convinced I’ll start attending spin classes next week.
I can recall a time when guilt didn’t infiltrate my thoughts. Before I was responsible for another human being, I didn’t think twice about those expensive new boots or that second glass of wine.
Perhaps guilt is indeed an intrinsic part of motherhood. For more insights on navigating these emotions, consider exploring resources about pregnancy and home insemination at Healthline and find support in your journey with Make a Mom. If you’re interested in further discussions about this topic, check out this post for additional perspectives.
In summary, motherhood often comes hand-in-hand with an overwhelming sense of guilt. Despite the joy and love that accompany raising a child, the emotional challenges can also be significant. Learning to navigate these feelings is essential for both personal well-being and effective parenting.