Navigating the landscape of single parenting after 40 can be a complex journey, primarily characterized by the choices we make. I refer to this as the “OR” phenomenon.
This term “OR” is not about the surgical setting, although life may sometimes necessitate a visit to the operating room. Instead, it signifies the fundamental choices we confront. Consider the familiar Miranda rights; when an individual is arrested, they are informed that they have the right to an attorney, or one will be provided for them. This is the essence of “OR.”
After a divorce, single parents often find themselves making tough decisions between time OR money. More often than not, this isn’t truly a choice, and sometimes, parents end up with neither. It’s relatively uncommon for both ex-spouses to secure a substantial amount of time and financial resources, except perhaps in rare cases involving affluent individuals. Even in those situations, solo parenting typically results in a demanding schedule, especially on days when the children are with you. Moreover, with a 50/50 financial division common in many jurisdictions, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself with less in your bank account, retirement fund, or even in your living room.
In my own divorce, I retained the “time,” while my ex-husband gained “money.” I enjoy a less stressful work life—at least I did before my job became essential for covering the mortgage. Now, I constantly face the choice between affording lavish birthday celebrations or securing a comfortable home in a good neighborhood.
Interestingly, my ex, with a more flexible (and lower-paying) job, has the luxury of attending school meetings and doctor appointments during the week while I’m at work. This was essentially our dynamic during our marriage. As the one with the financial advantage, he often takes the kids on extravagant holidays, buys them bicycles, and fulfills their whims for the latest video games, sometimes without fully understanding the implications of those choices.
Another dilemma that many women over 40 encounter is the decision between aesthetics—specifically, their face or their physique. This is a common struggle, even among married women. At this stage in life, achieving balance in both areas without medical intervention is challenging. It’s often the case that intense workouts lead to a toned body but a hollowed-out face, creating an unappealing contrast. Personally, I’ve chosen to prioritize a healthy face over a sculpted body, and I’d like to believe that my lack of excessive fitness focus has preserved my facial appearance.
As a single working mother, I frequently find myself weighing options. For example, I can prepare a wonderful meal OR use that time to catch up on emails. The hour between 5 and 6 PM is typically when homework is done, presenting an opportunity for productivity. Yet, it’s always a choice. Some evenings, I opt for a simpler meal in favor of tackling an overflowing inbox. Occasionally, the “OR” morphs into a “NOR,” resulting in takeout dinners on the couch.
Regarding vacations, significant choices arise as well. When finances permit, I am free to take my children on trips of my preference, although that is contingent upon the earlier time or money discussion. Thankfully, trips to snowbound cabins are no longer my idea of a vacation. However, managing a 1-to-3 adult-to-child ratio can still be quite taxing, even in a beautiful rental by the beach. I often seek properties with stunning kitchen views since that’s where I’ll likely spend most of my time cooking and cleaning—so I face the dilemma of going on vacation OR actually relaxing.
At this stage, many of us also encounter the reality of managing multiple responsibilities—like doing laundry AND dishes. This notion often persists even within marriage, where the fantasy of another adult swooping in to assist can provide a momentary reprieve, perhaps accompanied by a second glass of wine.
This is a choice I’m fully supportive of: I’ll take both the first glass AND the second, thank you very much.
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In summary, single parenting after 40 involves countless choices between time and money, personal appearance, and daily responsibilities. The decisions can be overwhelming, but they also reveal the duality of life—embracing both challenges and joys.