My parents separated when I was just five years old. This event set off a chain of upheaval in my life: moving across the country, changing schools frequently, experiencing their on-again, off-again relationship, and ultimately, their divorce. By the time I reached eight, my father had remarried. While he remained present in my life, I often identify my upbringing as being shaped primarily by my mother, particularly after she moved back across the country, leaving me to spend summers and school breaks with my dad.
Despite their best intentions, my parents’ separation filled my childhood with uncertainty and emotional turmoil. Although I believe that their divorce was the right decision, it has undeniably colored my perception of marriage and family.
I am fortunate to be in a relationship that starkly contrasts with my parents’ marriage. My husband, Jake, and I began dating in high school, and after 22 years together, we have been happily married for 14. Unless faced with unforeseen circumstances, I am confident in the stability of our relationship. Together, we are dedicated parents to two wonderful sons, and we co-parent effectively.
However, beneath this veneer of confidence lies a lingering fear rooted in my childhood experiences. There is a part of me that remains convinced that disaster is always lurking just around the corner. This irrational belief persists like a nagging itch that refuses to be soothed, reminding me of my past.
On most days, I function as a typical wife and mother. Yet, there are moments when I am triggered by memories of my past, causing me to revert to the child I once was. Mornings can be particularly challenging; as I prepare my sons for school, I often feel overwhelmed. My husband leaves before we wake, and the darkness of the early hours can cast a shadow over my mood. I worry about my children being late, fearing the judgment that accompanies it.
When I retreat to the bathroom to gather my thoughts amidst their chaos, those feelings of isolation resurface. I sit there, grappling with a sense of helplessness as my children resist getting ready. In those moments, I feel like my own mother—overburdened and unsupported. It can seem impossible to hold everything together.
When Jake returns home, we often find ourselves embroiled in petty arguments. Whether it’s about forgotten chores or miscommunication, these disputes can spiral quickly. Instead of addressing the conflict directly, I start to spiral into thoughts about the stability of our marriage. I wonder if I am fooling myself into thinking everything is fine, and I begin to envision a future where we might separate.
As a child of divorce, the smallest issues can feel disproportionately significant. Emotions of loneliness and helplessness can escalate quickly, leading to the belief that the good things in life may be snatched away at any moment.
Over time, I have learned to recognize when I am slipping into old patterns of thinking, allowing past experiences to overshadow my present reality. Each day, I find myself becoming more comfortable in my role as a mature member of my family, acknowledging that it is distinct from my childhood. I strive to embrace each new day as an opportunity to appreciate what I have and to foster trust in the stability of my life.
Yet, the echoes of my childhood remain lodged in my heart. My goal is to gently acknowledge those feelings while allowing them to fade. Increasingly, I am nurturing the vulnerable part of myself—the little girl who once felt broken—while also caring for my own children. I am teaching her that life holds more possibilities than her past traumas suggested, revealing a world of opportunities and happiness.
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Summary
Growing up as a child of divorce can leave lasting impacts on one’s perception of relationships and family. Despite the challenges and fears that arise from past experiences, it is possible to cultivate a healthy and stable family environment. Acknowledging and nurturing the inner child can help individuals navigate their own parenting journey more effectively.