By: Jenna Moore
Updated: Feb. 6, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 27, 2015
Experiencing a miscarriage can be a deeply isolating event, often shrouded in silence. After my own loss in 2008, I remember walking out of the clinic and feeling as though I had to put that part of my life behind me. I avoided discussing my experience, understanding that it made others uncomfortable. However, in recent years, there has been a shift toward open conversations about miscarriage, revealing that many people face similar heartache, especially when confronted with the devastating look from an ultrasound technician. Yet, the emotional journey of pregnancy following a miscarriage is rarely discussed.
When my partner, Tom, and I found out we were expecting last year, our joy was palpable. We were eager to embark on the journey of parenthood. Nevertheless, I kept a secret: I was gripped by fear. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake the thought of “what if?” I felt guilty for not being as overjoyed as I believed I should be; I was cautiously optimistic, hoping for the best but bracing myself for the worst.
Each time I attended a doctor’s appointment, I would hold my breath as the doctor reached for the fetal Doppler, praying for reassuring sounds. Whenever the baby was quiet, I resorted to drinking juice, hoping to feel a reassuring kick. Those thirty-eight weeks were filled with an undercurrent of anxiety that I didn’t share with others, leading to feelings of guilt for my emotional reticence. I believed I should be radiating happiness but instead felt a mix of anxiety and fear. I couldn’t bear the thought of facing another loss, nor could I endure the painful look from an ultrasound technician again.
I often found myself in the nursery, gently rubbing my belly and wishing for the moment I could rock my baby to sleep in the gliding chair. As labor approached, my thoughts were consumed with a singular hope: please let everything be alright. When my son finally arrived and was placed on my chest, I felt overwhelming love and relief wash over me. I could finally exhale; he was here, healthy, and perfect.
Months after his birth, I learned that my feelings during pregnancy were not unusual for someone who had experienced loss. This revelation eased my guilt and reassured me that I was not alone in my emotions. If you find yourself resonating with my experience, know that it’s common to feel this way, and you are not alone on this journey.
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Summary:
Pregnancy after a miscarriage can be fraught with anxiety and guilt. Many individuals experience fear of loss, leading to emotional guardedness during a subsequent pregnancy. However, it is important to recognize that these feelings are common and shouldn’t be a source of shame. Open discussions about such experiences can create a supportive community for those navigating similar paths.