As I donned a maternity t-shirt recently, a thought crossed my mind: “It’s alright, you’re still postpartum.” But then I had a realization—I am actually two years post-postpartum. I stopped breastfeeding my second child a year ago, and by conventional standards, things should have returned to normal by now. I am not in the postpartum phase; I am in the post-postpartum phase.
Many mothers, as seen through social media, are grappling with this transitional period. The concept of “Things Should Have Returned to Normal By Now” could easily become our collective anthem, a soulful ballad reminiscent of singers like Joni Mitchell.
Questions of the Post-Postpartum Stage
Let me ask you, mothers in the post-postpartum stage: Do you find yourself waking up at 5 or 6 a.m., heart racing as your mind races through your never-ending to-do list? Do you think, as soon as you wake, “I should have prepared the lunches last night”? Do you grapple with getting your toddler into the car seat while ensuring you have your work essentials and recalling if you even had breakfast?
These questions are characteristic of mothers navigating the post-postpartum landscape. What troubles me the most about this phase is the tendency for self-blame that accompanies it. When you find yourself late for daycare, needing to make an impromptu stop for dental hygiene supplies because you forgot to brush your teeth, or serving a dinner of soup and toast, it’s easy to think, “Shouldn’t I have mastered this by now?”
The answer is no—you are not expected to have perfected everything at this stage. The post-postpartum period is incredibly challenging. Many of us haven’t quite managed to shed the last of the baby weight, streamline our morning routines to perfection, or consistently prepare homemade meals.
Unique Challenges of the Post-Postpartum Phase
This period, which I define as beginning when your youngest child reaches six months, presents unique challenges, much like the pregnancy and newborn stages did. However, society often overlooks these difficulties, unlike the more widely recognized struggles of morning sickness or breastfeeding.
One significant hurdle in the post-postpartum phase is the relentless fatigue that comes with caring for young children, who may still be waking during the night. While it may be hard for others to understand why a 2- or 3-year-old might still be restless, the reality is you are utterly exhausted. When you add another child into the mix, the fatigue can reach a level that only years of sleep deprivation can induce.
Even beyond that, challenges persist. A friend recently shared that her mother-in-law wanted to hand over Thanksgiving hosting duties, but my friend hesitated. “I just can’t handle it,” she confessed. “With a 2½-year-old and a 4-year-old, I have no breaks. I can’t plan, I can’t cook, and I can’t deal with the cleanup. And I feel embarrassed to decline. Shouldn’t I be prepared for this by now?”
The answer? Absolutely not. Because she is in the post-postpartum phase. This is a tough time, and it is perfectly acceptable to decline hosting large gatherings, opt for low-maintenance hairstyles, or arrive late to work.
Societal Expectations and the Post-Postpartum Phase
During pregnancy and the early days of motherhood, society grants a certain amount of understanding. You can skip events, express your fatigue, or lighten your workload. However, at some point, people may begin to think, “She should be managing by now,” whatever that may entail. Yet, sometimes, we simply aren’t.
When Does the Post-Postpartum Phase End?
So when does the post-postpartum phase conclude? I can’t say for certain, as I’m still in it. Perhaps it ends when all of your children are in school? Yet, based on conversations with friends who have older children, I suspect it might blend seamlessly into the empty nest phase.
So take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. You are in a delicate stage of life. And remember, there will come a day when we are no longer in the post-postpartum phase, when the only person we need to help get ready in the morning is ourselves. However, I am not rushing that day. I cherish these moments with my little ones, even when they find amusement in tripping me up as I head to work. I appreciate my post-postpartum phase and hope it lasts a while longer.
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Summary
The post-postpartum phase can be challenging and often leads to feelings of self-doubt and fatigue. It is important to recognize that this stage, starting when your youngest child is six months old, has its own unique set of difficulties that deserve acknowledgment. Embracing this phase and giving yourself permission to not have everything figured out is crucial for mental well-being.