As the crispness of autumn settles in, many individuals, including myself, find joy in the small pleasures of the season: early morning runs, the hum of leaf blowers, and, of course, pumpkin spice lattes (PSLs). These symbols of fall signal the arrival of cozy hoodie weather, football games, and a welcome reprieve from the need to maintain personal grooming. However, with the beauty of fall comes a darker reality for some—a struggle with seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
SAD is a form of depression that typically arises during the winter months when natural light is scarce. Like other forms of clinical depression—major, manic, bipolar, and postpartum—SAD can manifest with feelings of guilt, emptiness, and hopelessness. It often leads to diminished energy, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and a general disinterest in previously enjoyable activities. The term “seasonal affective disorder” may imply a lesser severity, but it is equally challenging and deeply distressing.
The onset of SAD is not marked by a specific date; rather, it creeps in gradually. One day, I feel fine, but soon, I notice a heaviness in my limbs and an overall sense of fatigue. I’m not necessarily sad, but I feel hollow and disconnected. As the frenzy of summer fades, I am left in a state of uncertainty, questioning what comes next.
The desire to retreat into comfortable clothing and cozy blankets becomes overwhelming. I long to hibernate, to escape from the world. In my youth, fall and winter were times of joy—costumes, candy, and the magic of Christmas. Yet now, as the chilly Canadian air blankets the Northeastern United States, I find myself withdrawing more, yearning for solitude. The holidays, once filled with excitement, now bring anxiety—the pressure of maintaining a facade at social gatherings, the dread of obligatory interactions, and the fear of being unable to express my true feelings.
I wish to relish in pumpkin picking with my child and our cherished annual visit to a festive destination, but I often struggle to engage. I find it difficult to smile or engage in conversation without feeling overwhelmed. Consequently, I cancel plans, initiate projects I know I won’t complete, and dodge discussions about my own struggles, becoming adept at avoiding any conversation that might reveal my internal turmoil. I am left feeling stagnant, burdened by worries, and battling thoughts of despair.
In response, I find myself closing the blinds, turning up the heat, and retreating into my home. I wrap myself in my favorite robe and mismatched slippers, seeking comfort in solitude. My seasonal depression is a palpable entity that, though anticipated, remains unpredictable. Between September and October, I can feel its presence looming, a chill that runs down my spine. Despite my awareness, the knowledge does little to mitigate the experience. I am left in a state of waiting—waiting for the days to lengthen, the nights to shorten, and, as the song goes, “for the sun to come out tomorrow.”
If you relate to this experience or seek further information, many resources are available, including helpful articles on home insemination or guidance from experts at Kindbody. For those looking for practical solutions, Make a Mom offers several tools that can assist in navigating these challenges.
In summary, seasonal affective disorder is a real and often debilitating condition that can overshadow the joys of fall. While the beauty of the season can elicit warmth and comfort, it is essential to recognize and address the darker feelings that may accompany it. Seeking support and understanding is crucial during these challenging times.