Earlier this summer, I inquired with a friend about her new position at the student health clinic of our local state university. I was interested in whether she primarily handled typical ailments like colds or contraceptive needs. With my daughter now in college, I often seek insights from professionals in the field, as, like many parents, I have concerns regarding issues like binge drinking and unsafe sexual practices. My friend, however, shifted her tone and replied quietly, “I encounter a lot of anxiety.”
“Really? Even here?” I was taken aback. I had spent six years at this university, both for my undergraduate and graduate studies, and it was generally not a place that fostered anxiety. Sure, there were stressful moments; I still vividly remember the day I received a D on my math final and the wave of sickness that accompanied it. I didn’t confide in my friends or parents about my grades—I was too embarrassed. Instead, I relied on self-talk to navigate my feelings, eventually overcoming that distress. I managed to pull my grade up to a C in the course.
Yet, according to another friend who works as a university counselor, today’s youth are struggling with the very self-talk that helped me. “They lack coping skills,” he explained. “I teach them how to manage their emotions.”
Coping skills can seem like a nebulous concept. How do we instill them in our children? Or do they develop naturally? Numerous studies and articles discuss millennials’ deficiencies in coping, particularly upon entering college. Professors at the university have noted a significant cultural shift over the past generation—where parents now intervene on academic matters, accompany their children to admissions meetings, and step in when their kids face challenges. This conversation has been ongoing for a decade, but the rise in mental health issues, including a cluster of suicides at selective colleges and a 13 percent increase in anxiety cases at counseling centers, is alarming. What is driving this trend?
Recently, I completed reading How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims, a compelling book that urges parents to step back from overparenting and equip children with essential life skills, including coping mechanisms. I found myself nodding in agreement with many of her observations, particularly regarding our tendency to solve all social conflicts, often labeling them as bullying, and our reluctance to trust teachers and administrators to address our children’s mistakes. We frequently fail to encourage our children to contribute more around the house, prioritizing their extracurricular activities to the detriment of our own adult interests. I can see these patterns all around me and relate to them more than I would like to admit.
However, friends who advocate for fostering independence in their children argue that social media plays a significant role in this cultural crisis. The phenomenon of the “curated self,” where individuals present a polished, joyful version of their lives on platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, creates unrealistic expectations. Just days before my daughter left for college, she excitedly showed me photos of an upperclassman at her institution—a selective liberal arts college known for its outdoorsy, high-achieving student body. “Look at everything she’s done,” my daughter exclaimed, showcasing images of the young woman hiking in Nepal and skiing in exotic locations. These images gave the impression of a perfect life. Does my daughter realize that everyone, including that young woman, grapples with self-doubt?
My daughter has always been fiercely independent; she has handled her own homework, learned to cook, and managed her laundry since she was quite young. While juggling her senior-year classes, she independently filled out college applications, crafted essays, and prepared for the SATs, all while maintaining a reasonable bedtime. She has successfully navigated public transportation in New York City, managed flight connections solo, and even backpacked into the North Cascades with friends, insisting her outdoor-expert father not join them so they could learn to navigate independently. She possesses confidence in her problem-solving abilities and even enjoys the occasional feeling of being lost. Lythcott-Haims would undoubtedly applaud her.
Yet, I wonder how robust her inner life truly is. Does she have the ability to self-reflect? Can she talk herself down from feelings of disappointment? How will she cope with the inevitable challenges of homesickness, loneliness, and self-doubt? I cannot predict her future. While I can’t imagine this optimistic, capable child falling into despair, I also recognize from my own experiences that her journey will include obstacles. Over time, adults learn that homesickness subsides, self-doubt diminishes, and loneliness eases—provided they understand that these feelings are normal and shared by others, no matter how perfect their social media presence appears.
There are no straightforward solutions to the complex challenges facing our children as they transition to adulthood. While I agree with my friends that reducing overparenting is essential, my daughter exemplifies independence and life skills, yet social media remains a pervasive influence. Current cultural messages about success are powerful and often lead our children to prioritize competitive college admissions over other legitimate post-high school paths. My family has attempted to counteract these success pressures in our low-key community, but it is an uphill battle. We must continue to engage in these discussions and encourage one another, with the understanding that some of us need to ease the pressure we place on our children. The stakes are high, and we cannot afford to overlook the mental health of our youth.
In conclusion, as parents, we must recognize the urgent need for a cultural shift in how we support our children. By promoting independence and teaching coping strategies, we can prepare them for the realities of adulthood while being mindful of the influences of social media and societal expectations.
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