As the seasons shift, many women find themselves confronting a familiar challenge: menopause-related weight gain. For me, this annual struggle typically begins with the onset of autumn, accompanied by an abundance of holiday treats and seasonal beverages. However, this year, the realization struck earlier than usual. While I could easily attribute my weight gain to factors like inactivity or poor dietary choices, the undeniable truth is that menopause plays a significant role, and it is undeniably frustrating.
Like countless women navigating this stage of life, I often use my favorite jeans as a gauge for my well-being. Last week, I experienced a rather dramatic incident when the zipper of my jeans gave way, leading to an unfortunate mishap. While I’d like to think of it as a moment of clarity regarding my body’s changes, it was more like a comical disaster that left me questioning my wardrobe choices. Each morning, I hold out hope that I can once again wear my favorite pants, enough to consider retiring my Spanx once and for all.
In an effort to combat the effects of menopause on my weight, I decided to embark on what some might refer to as “the most absurd diet ever.” Who in their right mind would choose to go ten days without solid food? Probably a desperate mother, I concluded. Yet, this regimen—a detox consisting solely of lemons, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper—promises not just a cleanse but also a potential for weight loss. As I see it, anything that can help me shed pounds without severe repercussions is worth a try.
10-Day Meal Planner
- A plethora of lemons
- Water
- Grade B maple syrup
- Cayenne pepper
- Note: Omit the salt-water flush; it’s unappealing.
Master Cleanse | Day 1: 3:45 p.m.
The temperature is frigid, reminiscent of the Arctic. I half expect a celebrity chef to arrive with a gourmet meal, but that’s just wishful thinking. Thus far, I’ve consumed five lemonade concoctions and even licked a stamp for a flavor boost. Everything smells like chicken, leading me to contemplate the cat’s fate.
Master Cleanse | Day 2: 10:27 a.m.
This morning, I found myself licking my computer screen, desperately searching for a taste of a home-cooked meal. Instead, I stumbled upon a friend’s bizarre post featuring fake food items that eerily resembled eggs. I’ll need to clean my screen later.
Master Cleanse | Day 3: 1:14 p.m.
During this cleanse, it’s common for one’s tongue to take on a peculiar white hue in the initial days, a supposed indication of toxin elimination. To me, it looks more like melted ice cream. I might need medical assistance if this continues.
Master Cleanse | Day 4: 6:25 p.m.
There’s a strange sensation in my throat, reminiscent of seaweed and chicken. Surprisingly, it’s almost pleasant.
Master Cleanse | Day 5: 5:13 a.m.
In the early hours, I hear a scratching noise outside. A chipmunk is staring at me, seemingly mocking my dietary choices. How rude!
Master Cleanse | Day 6: 9:26 a.m.
I have succumbed to temptation. This morning, I indulged in a cappuccino, which was surprisingly enjoyable.
Master Cleanse | Day 7: 2:28 p.m.
In a moment of frustration, I declared that my turkey neck had vanished—only to discover I was merely hallucinating from hunger.
Master Cleanse | Day 8: 4:36 p.m.
Today, I spotted a squirrel whose fur reminded me of a delicious Nutella-peanut butter blend. Alas, it did not taste the same.
Master Cleanse | Day 9: 10:56 a.m.
I can now see my toes again. They appear oddly more tempting.
Master Cleanse | Day 10: 7:16 p.m.
I completed the full ten days without any major incidents (that I can recall). I feel rejuvenated, yet starving! I am eager to return to the gym in my now-looser activewear and, more importantly, to enjoy solid food once more.
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In summary, navigating menopause and the associated weight gain can be challenging, but exploring detox options like the Master Cleanse may offer a temporary solution. While the journey is often filled with humorous moments and unexpected revelations, it is essential to approach these challenges with a light heart and determination.