As a mother with a mission, I aim to ensure that every teen understands the reality that sex can lead to babies. And let’s be honest—babies are right up there as the third worst thing to bring home after STDs and regrets. This brings me to my newly minted initiative: “Teaching Teens That Babies Are Just Terrible,” or TTBJT for short. It’s a catchy acronym, especially since it features “BJ” right in the middle—though I’m not promoting BJs either, so the title may still need some work.
Honestly, I’m not overly concerned about who is having babies unless it involves me or if those babies are left uncared for, munching on Ring Pops at six months old. Seriously, six-month-olds should not be munching on Ring Pops—they could choke! Let’s stick to Pixy Sticks instead. That’s just one of the many life lessons I could impart to teens.
Having been a teenager myself, I remember a time when I was “too naive to realize that sex is meant to be an emotional and physical connection” and “too eager to be loved to make wise decisions.” Hormones were flying, and I was quite the “H” word that means “twitterpated”—a charming Disney euphemism for “horny.” Yes, I just went there, and I know it makes us all a little uncomfortable. So, let’s throw in “moist” and “panties” into the mix, and I bet we’ll all lose our appetites for lunch. Just another fun fact about pregnancy: nausea is real. Take note, teens!
The reality is, much like the risk of crabs or UTIs, the thought of babies didn’t seem tangible during my high school escapades. My school tried to teach us about the responsibilities of parenthood by having us care for raw, decorated eggs—complete with yarn for hair! Spoiler alert: my egg inevitably ended up smashed on the sidewalk, and that’s precisely why we should rethink letting girls procreate with boys. Or perhaps we were given a sack of flour instead? I can’t recall, but either way, it was a weak attempt at simulating real parenthood. After all, flour and eggs do not equal an actual child. Nice try, public education.
Imagine if we had more realistic simulations—say, a 7-pound Water Snake Wigglies toy with a slow leak? Or attaching a grapefruit to a Slinky Jr. to mimic a baby’s head. Let’s face it, a more accurate experience would involve a malfunctioning smoke detector in their pillows, reminding them to “sleep when the baby sleeps.”
But alas, flour sacks have long been the norm. I suspect it was my mother’s own failed flour-baby experience that led her to wait nearly two decades before having my siblings. Thanks to her foresight, I was able to present my younger sister with a preemie niece when she was just 12. Now, she might just become a nun to avoid the fright of having babies. Because let’s be real, nothing is scarier than an actual baby—certainly more so than a microscopic image of herpes or even your own mother awkwardly demonstrating how to put a condom on a cucumber.
You know what really prevents teens from becoming parents? Babies themselves! This is why, every summer, until they were old enough to decline, I invited my brother and sister to stay with me and my growing brood (I now have four kids, all part of the TTBJT initiative).
My kids have done wonders in keeping my siblings off the teen-parent track, simply by being themselves. They provided plenty of entertainment: diaper blowouts, projectile vomiting, teething, and tantrums. Nothing says “not ready for parenthood” quite like being in public with my siblings while they struggle to keep it together around my kids.
If you lack access to small children or teenagers but want to join my movement, don’t fret! The mall can be a goldmine for this. Approach a group of teens and have them change your overgrown toddler’s poopy diaper while explaining how flushing toilets causes anxiety for him. Or, if you have teens but no babies, join a mom-and-me music class and ask if any of the mothers would like to leave their precious children with your moody 14-year-old for a round of “Skinamarinky Dinky Dink.” Guaranteed celibacy!
If you’ve been barred from the mall or music classes, consider these alternatives: let your high school junior play board games with some rambunctious monkeys, or have your 17-year-old carry a puppy around all day without putting it down until it has an accident. You could even mix a little real feces into a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and inform them that every parent inevitably ends up eating baby poop. The possibilities are endless!
Get creative! Reflect on your own experiences and devise ways to give your teens a taste of the chaos that comes with parenthood. It’s never too late to teach them that while babies can be a blessing, bringing them into the world before algebra and history exams is a recipe for disaster.
For more insights and stories, check out this engaging post on our other blog. Whether you’re seeking resources to help with pregnancy and home insemination, like those from Make a Mom, or exploring detailed information on IVF at NHS, there are many avenues to help you navigate this conversation.
In summary, instilling the realities of parenthood in teens can take many forms. By creatively showcasing the challenges of baby-rearing, we can empower young people to make informed decisions about their futures.
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