Updated: April 6, 2021
Originally Published: October 3, 2015
“Don’t feel obligated to swim if you don’t want to,” said the elegant older woman with bright blue eyes and flowing gray hair. I recall her hair vividly because she was captivated by mine, gently caressing my long brown locks as she spoke, her striking blue gaze locked onto my green eyes. We weren’t near any water, and at that time, I didn’t grasp the true meaning of her words. She was a patient with Alzheimer’s disease, and I heard her speak long before I became a mother myself. We were visiting my husband’s grandfather in a memory care unit, and the woman seemed to find a connection with me, possibly reminding her of someone from her past. So, I sat there, allowing her to stroke my hair as she repeatedly emphasized her point about swimming, occasionally grasping my face to look deeply into my eyes. Since that day, I have interpreted her words as a metaphor for life—don’t feel pressured to engage in activities you don’t enjoy—but recently, I have been applying this wisdom more directly in my parenting journey with my son.
My son is nearly six years old and has yet to learn how to swim. I have often repeated her mantra: “If you don’t want to swim, don’t swim.” However, swimming is a safety concern, so he must learn this essential skill. While it’s perfectly fine if he doesn’t want to swim, he still needs to know how to do it. Despite our persistent attempts to teach him, he remains fearful of water. When he was just two years old, we visited a beach house with a fenced-in pool, but he wouldn’t even approach the fence. After much coaxing and bribery, we managed to get him to the pool’s edge on the last day of our trip, where he screamed in terror for the two minutes we spent there. Realizing we might be traumatizing him, we decided to wait until he was older.
The opportunity arose again when we signed him up for swim lessons the following year. My husband accompanied him to the “Mommy and Me” classes, but at three years old, while other children splashed and giggled, my son clung tightly to his dad. He never attempted to swim. We opted to keep him in flotation devices and ensured he was always accompanied by an adult. This pattern continued for years—class after class, beach trip after beach trip, and countless visits to family pools. He simply wouldn’t swim, and it didn’t seem to stem from being strong-willed (as we initially thought) or lacking adventurous spirit (as others suggested). While he is undoubtedly strong-willed, his resistance to swimming has been unparalleled. In fact, he’s quite adventurous in other aspects of his life. He enjoys meeting new friends, sampling different foods, attending summer camps, and exploring nature, but he will not swim.
Now, as he approaches his sixth birthday, we have plans to visit my brother in California and go to a water park at the end of August. It’s imperative that he learns to swim. Last night, my husband initiated regular visits to the YMCA pool. For 45 minutes, my son sat on the steps, articulating his reasons for not wanting to swim. Eventually, he mustered the courage to step into the water, and for the first time, he kicked his feet and attempted to swim.
When I tucked him into bed, he shared his feelings about the experience, revealing his disappointment in how long it took him to overcome his fear of the water. He expressed his embarrassment about not being able to swim at nearly six years old. I reassured him of the importance of learning to swim and encouraged him to give it his best effort. I emphasized that there is no shame in trying, and if he doesn’t attempt it, he may never discover his own potential. As we cuddled, he hugged me tightly and whispered, “I will just try harder tomorrow.”
Isn’t that a sentiment we can all embrace? All we can do is strive to try harder each day. Lying next to him, I recalled the woman from the hospital years ago, delivering a crucial message that resonated deeply with me: If we do not wish to swim—whatever that swimming may symbolize—we are not obligated to. However, if we never attempt to swim, how will we ever know whether we truly want to? I hope my son embraces this lesson: be brave, explore new experiences, and know that if, after trying, he still doesn’t enjoy it, that’s perfectly acceptable. It’s the effort that truly counts.
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In conclusion, embracing new challenges and overcoming fears is vital for personal growth and development, both for ourselves and our children.