Our intimate life had hit a rough patch. Admitting that is challenging, particularly in a public forum, but it’s the reality. The frequency of our intimate moments had dwindled significantly, impacting not just our relationship but our family dynamic as well.
With my chronic pain from fibromyalgia and the demands of caring for two energetic toddlers, my partner and I were struggling to find time for each other. The morning chaos, characterized by my youngest joyfully demolishing the older sibling’s carefully constructed block tower, would leave me drained before the day had even begun. By the time my partner returned from work and we managed to settle the children for the night, I often found myself too exhausted to do anything but collapse in front of the television. It became clear that something needed to change.
This realization prompted us to explore the concept of scheduling intimacy. Initially, the idea felt unappealing and somewhat mechanical. My partner worried it would become yet another stressor on my already full plate. However, with our differing levels of desire and the limited opportunities for alone time, we decided to give it a shot.
As we deliberated on which day to designate for our scheduled intimacy, we recognized that the problem extended beyond just physical connection. Our overall closeness—affectionate touches, kisses, and even meaningful conversations—had also diminished. We had become so focused on our children’s needs that we had neglected our relationship.
Additionally, as a stay-at-home parent grappling with a chronic illness, I often felt overwhelmed by daily responsibilities. From diaper changes and laundry to meal planning and managing medical appointments, the tasks were endless. It’s no wonder I struggled to feel desire amidst the chaos.
After much thought, we devised a plan: we would set aside one evening each week to prioritize each other’s needs. My partner’s need for physical intimacy would be met, while I could focus on unwinding. We agreed that my partner would handle childcare and dinner preparations, allowing me to relax and engage in intimate moments. We selected a night and committed to trying this for a month.
Months later, this strategy has proven effective. More often than not, a little space to decompress is all I need to rekindle my long-lost desire. Importantly, my partner isn’t providing this time as a trade for intimacy; he genuinely wants to support me, just as I aim to be present for him.
Of course, things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes the children are too active, making it hard for me to truly relax. Other times, despite our best intentions, I may still feel too worn out to engage in intimacy. However, we both understand that our efforts to meet each other’s needs are what truly matter. Since implementing this schedule, we have both felt motivated to connect outside of our designated nights as well.
A wise person once described family dynamics as a triangle with three corners: the children, the couple, and the individual. Neglecting the couple’s and individual’s needs while focusing solely on the children can lead to imbalance. It turns out that prioritizing all three aspects of this triangle is essential for family health. Interestingly, scheduling intimacy has helped us achieve this balance.
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In summary, scheduling intimacy can significantly enhance not only your romantic life but also your overall family dynamic, allowing all parts of the triangle to thrive.