One of the foundational lessons instilled in me as a child was the importance of saying please and thank you. As a dutiful student in Catholic school, I took this lesson to heart. Nowadays, I often find myself ending emails with a “thanks!” even when it may not be warranted.
Since the arrival of my son, Oliver, seven months ago, my inclination to express gratitude has intensified. I frequently thank my partner, Mark, for both routine and extraordinary parenting tasks such as diaper changes, daycare pickups, and feedings. My intention is to communicate my appreciation for his involvement and to reinforce that parenting is a shared responsibility.
While Mark acknowledges my efforts, his expressions of gratitude tend to be less frequent. This may stem from a belief that I am simply fulfilling my maternal role. Traditionally, societal norms have defined the father’s role as that of a provider while the mother is seen as the caregiver.
Mark is what many would call an “engaged” dad, a term I find somewhat frustrating. This label is often used to commend fathers for performing everyday tasks that would typically go unnoticed if done by mothers.
Consider this scenario: while dining at a local Italian restaurant, a baby begins to cry. Mark takes a bottle from Oliver’s diaper bag and feeds him, allowing me to continue enjoying my meal. An onlooker might exclaim, “You’re lucky he’s such an engaged dad! I was always the one feeding the baby.” Yet, if I were feeding Oliver, no one would bat an eye; it’s simply expected of moms.
We must elevate our expectations for fathers. They shouldn’t only step in when it’s convenient, but rather strive for equal partnership with mothers, tackling various parenting duties without seeking excessive praise.
Some may argue that an equal partnership is unachievable due to physiological reasons, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. While this is true for those who choose to breastfeed, my situation was different. Oliver was born six weeks early, and I struggled with my milk supply. Consequently, Mark has been feeding him since his time in the NICU, demonstrating that fathers can take on significant roles early on.
Additionally, there are numerous other responsibilities that dads can manage. Some mothers may feel that dads won’t perform tasks as well as they do, but how will fathers improve if they aren’t given the opportunity to try? The increase in stay-at-home dads is a promising sign that traditional roles are evolving, and both parents can thrive in the home.
Ultimately, my hope is that by the time Oliver becomes a father, it will be commonplace for fathers to share in all aspects of parenting without the need for thanks.
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In summary, it is essential to recognize the evolving roles of fathers in parenting. By setting higher expectations, we can encourage a more balanced partnership, fostering an environment where both parents share responsibilities equally, without the need for constant acknowledgment.