My decision not to drink stems from my childhood experiences with alcohol. My father had a significant drinking problem, which led him to spend a considerable amount of my high school years in jail for driving under the influence. I vividly remember him attending my high school graduation, visibly intoxicated and struggling to make his way up the auditorium stairs. I even bailed him out of jail with money I earned from making pizzas. He passed away at the age of 49, a loss that profoundly affected me. At 19, I thought he was old, but now in my 30s, I see just how young that really was. He missed witnessing my children grow up, my college graduation, and my wedding. He should still be part of my life, but he isn’t.
While I’ve consumed alcohol in the past, I stopped after getting married. When I did drink, it felt uncomfortable, like wearing an ill-fitting suit, constantly reminding me of my father. Therefore, when it came to parenting, both my spouse and I agreed to abstain from alcohol altogether. We began practicing a faith that discourages drinking before we got married, which has helped us find other parents who share our lifestyle choices. However, as a father of three and a parenting blogger, I often find myself in the minority among my peers.
I have a colleague who enjoys his “papa juice”—a gin he claims helps him unwind after putting the kids to bed. I can understand the allure; there are days when I wish I had something to ease the stress of parenting. I see memes about moms enjoying wine and recall a line from the movie Christmas Vacation where a character attributes his holiday survival to Jack Daniels. There are moments, especially during the holiday season, when I could relate to that sentiment. When I go out with other parents, I often find myself the only one at the table with a soft drink in hand, while others indulge in alcohol.
My choice not to drink has led to the loss of friendships and instances where people have attempted to pressure me into drinking, as if a simple sip would improve my life or make our conversations more meaningful. To me, such behavior is perplexing and often frustrating. Many people ask how I manage to parent without alcohol, as though my sobriety is something extraordinary. I usually share my story about my father, my faith, and clarify that my decision isn’t based on health concerns. Some parents understand, but many do not, making me feel like my reasons for abstaining aren’t valid to them. This is somewhat disconcerting, as it hints at a lack of understanding about the personal significance of my choice.
Some friends have even jokingly asked if I follow a monk-like lifestyle. Others suggest that my life must be dull without drinking, but I find parenting itself to be anything but boring. I can honestly say that I haven’t missed any significant moments in my children’s lives. I engage in every experience with a clear mind, fully aware of both the challenges and joys of parenting. I don’t yearn for a night of drinking; instead, I appreciate the money saved and the reassurance that my children won’t sneak alcohol like I did in my youth. I don’t have to worry about alcohol negatively impacting my family, as it did with my parents.
Perhaps my choice not to drink is deeply rooted in my past with my father. Many might think that if I simply let loose and had a drink, I could move past those feelings. But I find that I cannot—and I won’t. The unfortunate reality of being a parent who abstains from alcohol is the sense of isolation that often accompanies it. Sometimes, it feels as if other parents view me with suspicion or hesitate to invite me over, fearing that I might detract from the fun with my sober presence.
If you know a parent who chooses not to drink, it’s important to recognize that they have made a personal decision that deserves respect. They are not strange or untrustworthy individuals. There’s no need to pressure them into drinking, thinking that it would lead to a more enjoyable time. They do not look down on others nor do they lack the ability to have fun. They simply choose not to drink. So, extend an invitation, be supportive, and accept their choice without question. Their reasons, whatever they may be, are valid.
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In summary, while my decision to abstain from alcohol stems from personal experiences and values, it’s a choice that fosters clarity and connection with my family. It’s essential to understand and support those who choose a similar path without judgment.