What do you say to yourself when you err? In the past, I often remained silent, allowing feelings of shame to consume me. When we make mistakes, a reflexive voice often emerges in our minds, one that has likely been with us since childhood. What does your inner dialogue sound like?
For me, it harkens back to a moment with my father. At around ten years old, I spoke out of turn in math class. My parents received a call from the school, prompting my father to bring me to the living room—a space reserved for serious discussions. There, he told me to sit on the pristine white couch inherited from my grandparents. In a hushed tone, he declared, “You have brought shame upon our family.” At that moment, I felt as though the walls were constricting around me, and the weight of family expectations bore down heavily.
That singular reprimand—void of any constructive feedback—left a lasting impact. Instead of learning to analyze my actions and their consequences, I internalized a sense of shame. I sought perfection, retreating into myself whenever I stumbled. I often wondered why some individuals could brush off their errors with ease. It turns out that how we learn to handle mistakes as children significantly influences our ability to bounce back from setbacks later in life.
A transformative mantra to adopt is: “Do better next time.” As Maya Angelou wisely stated, “When you know better, you do better.” She did not suggest punishing oneself for errors, as that approach is counterproductive. Many individuals turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms when confronted with shame. The root of such behaviors may lie in an inability to accept our imperfections and mistakes. Mistakes are an integral part of growth—just as children learn to walk through falls, athletes perfect their skills by overcoming failures.
Being fully present in life becomes impossible when we are mired in regret. Accepting our actions and resolving to improve can clear the path forward. When guiding a child through their mistakes, Dr. Sarah Neumann advises in her book, The Mindful Parent, to first extend forgiveness and compassion to oneself. Rather than viewing mistakes as failures, we should see them as opportunities for growth.
If we want children to learn from their missteps, it’s essential to eliminate the stigma of wrongdoing. They must understand that making mistakes does not diminish their worth. When children see us managing our own errors with grace, they learn that mistakes are a natural part of life.
Reflecting on my past, I realize that a supportive parent could have helped me understand why I reacted the way I did. This understanding could have facilitated the necessary changes in my behavior. What inner voice accompanies you when you falter? Try adopting the empowering phrase: “Do better next time.” Life is full of inevitable mistakes; it’s essential to acknowledge them and move forward.
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In summary, overcoming mistakes requires a shift in mindset. By adopting a compassionate approach towards ourselves and others, we can transform errors into valuable lessons and foster a healthier emotional environment.