A few weeks back, I received a text from my sister, who welcomed her third child in February. She wrote, “Tell me you have days when it feels impossible. When just stepping outside feels like the only way to cope. I need to hear it from someone else.” I chuckled, knowing she was completely sincere. My immediate thoughts were along the lines of “every single day” and “just this morning” and “it’s a minute-by-minute struggle.”
Parenting is undeniably challenging. In fact, it’s the most demanding task I’ve ever undertaken. I once jogged six miles daily in oppressively humid conditions before commuting an hour to the office. I trained for marathons while pushing a double stroller that carried my 4-year-old and 3-year-old. I even managed to work under a difficult boss.
Yet, parenting remains the toughest challenge I’ve faced.
Countless hours of my day are filled with thoughts of escaping to downtown San Antonio’s Riverwalk, where my husband and I enjoyed life before children—a life free from the constant anxiety of watching my kids wander too close to the edge of the path, imagining having to leap into the murky water to save one of them.
Last week exemplified one of those unbearable mornings. While I was transferring laundry from the washer to the dryer—a task that should have taken just two minutes—my 3-year-old twins ventured into our typically safe backyard. By the time I returned, one twin was back inside, and the entire house reeked of gasoline.
“Why does it smell like gasoline?” I asked, more to myself than anyone. The guilty look on my twin’s face said it all. “What were you doing out there?” I pressed. “Nuffing,” he replied.
I knew he was up to something because a mother always knows. His brother soon followed, also smelling like a gas pump. Looking outside, I discovered their father’s gas can—normally secured behind a locked door—had been retrieved by my little adventurers in less than two minutes. They had poured gasoline all over the deck, the grass, and themselves. Thankfully, no one in our household smokes, or we would have faced a severe disaster.
I quickly placed the twins in the bathtub—an unexpected addition to our morning routine—while the baby wailed downstairs because he dislikes being alone. My husband rushed to clean the deck, fearing the Texas summer heat could ignite the gas-soaked grass.
That morning epitomized a “give-up” day. It’s impossible to stay one step ahead in my home. I can’t toddler-proof every room or prevent their insatiable curiosity. It would take an army of me.
In the past, I would feel guilty for having thoughts like these. I often found myself wishing they weren’t twins, that there weren’t two of them constantly vying for my attention, and that they were a bit easier to manage. But here’s what I’ve learned through my parenting journey: just because we have moments of wanting to escape, it doesn’t diminish our love for our children.
These little beings can be both the highlight and the challenge of our lives. Some days, I want to sit down and color with my twins, enjoying their laughter and the minimal chaos, while other mornings, I contemplate putting them up for adoption on Craigslist (though I’d have to embellish the description: “Two well-behaved twins, ages unknown.” Who would willingly want two 3-year-olds, anyway?).
There are moments when I reminisce through old photo albums, recalling the days when they were connected to machines in the NICU, and I was doing everything I could to support their growth. Yet, those memories can feel worlds away when they’re experimenting with the toilet.
Parenting requires resilience. It is one of the most significant responsibilities we will ever shoulder. Raising a decent human being is no small feat, and there will be many moments when we feel like giving in or giving up. But that’s part of the journey.
So, I replied to my sister, “Yes, I feel that way almost every day. It doesn’t make you a bad mother.”
These experiences, where we grapple with giving up yet recognize our commitment, ultimately make us stronger parents and individuals. They deepen our understanding of unconditional love.
It’s a good thing, too. Just now, my toddler discovered an unguarded can of paint, and the pantry wall is now a vibrant canvas.
By the time this journey concludes, I’ll surely emerge as an extraordinary person.
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In summary, parenting is an arduous yet rewarding experience filled with challenges that can lead to feelings of frustration. However, understanding that these feelings are normal can help alleviate guilt and foster resilience. Embracing both the joyful and chaotic moments is essential for personal growth and developing a deeper love for your children.